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Learn these simple conversational strategies – Engage and Respond better in conversations.
Engaging with others is so important in building deeper relationships and being able to respond well to others. Engaging with others and responding well is crucial in building trusting relationships and learning to be a reliable, dependable friend. People develop an idea about who you are and how they should perceive you based on how well you are engaging and responding to them. When we don’t do these well, tension and toxicity in our relationships can grow, leaving ourselves and others confused, hurt, and alone. We may quickly find ourselves starved for deeper, more authentic, higher quality relationships.
In this conversation with Steph LeBlanc, we dive into some seemingly simply principles of engaging with others in conversations and learning to respond well. However, they are in no way easy to implement into our daily conversations. Engaging with others and responding well in our conversation requires we break the bad habits followed by intentionally practicing responding well. I invite you to join the conversation as Steph and I discuss how to create habits around engaging and responding well with others in conversations.
About the Live Heart-Fully Conversations
Welcome to the Live Heart-Fully Conversations! The Live Heart-Fully Conversations are a series of interviews and conversations created to inspire, provoke, and challenge you to go deeper in feeding your own soul and pursuing stronger, authentic relationships with others. Over the next year, I am talking with some amazing powerhouse people who have had some true challenges, lived through them, and are now sharing their own personal power stories.
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Welcome Steph LeBlanc
Steph LeBlanc works as an elementary teacher, currently teaching second grade and gifted students. She holds a Bachelor’s of Arts in Theology, a Master’s degree in Education, and whole of life. Although she has been writing for several years now, Steph launched her blog, Inspired Mrs. L, in the beginning weeks of the Covid crisis of 2020. She blogs about intentional living and living in the moment. Initially her blog began as a source of inspiration for herself to live more intentionally, but she is now seeing how her blog can bring hope and inspiration to others too. Steph has been greatly inspired by her husband of Steph nearly seven years. He has always supported her writing and encouraged her to do something with it. Together, the two have a three year old daughter and are expecting another baby girl in April.
The Conversation: Engaging with Others and Responding Well
Have you ever found yourself quick to respond to someone in a conversation? Or have you ever been so eager to respond that you’re thinking ahead to what you’re going to say rather than focusing in on hearing what the other person is saying to you?
Steph: All the time!
Sarah: It’s so hard not to.
Steph: All the time! My husband hates it. He’s like “you need to just stop!” Actually my word for 2021 is pause [emphasis added]. It’s in all areas. I’m a Sagittarius, so I’m a very passionate person. A lot of times I get ahead or excited. I’m quick to respond but my timing is not always the best.
Sarah: I think it’s hard for everybody to not do that because in our heads we’re always looking ahead to “oh, she said that and I want to say this to respond to that.” Then rather than listening, we end up just thinking about what our response is going to be.
Pause. Take a Breath.
Do you feel that taking a moment to pause and take a breath before responding can benefit the conversation? How so?
Steph: Absolutely! With my work with kids in particular, that is a skill I have to teach them, especially when they are, like we all get, anxious or worked up about something, or stressed out it’s like “just take a breath. Okay, now, let’s talk about it.” It just helps to slow down.
Also when you get in an argument as an adult, you’re already thinking about “what am I going to say? What’s my next” back and forth jab. I tend to maybe not choose my words the best. When I’m having an argument with [my] spouse, I tell him that I want to make sure that I choose the right words. So I will stop, think, and then I will go ahead and continue what I want to say.
Sarah: That’s really good that you have that discipline of doing that with your spouse, especially in conversations that are complicated and maybe heated and there’s a lot of emotion involved.
In what sort of conversations do you believe this tactic can be highly beneficial?
Steph: Anything where there’s strong emotion. If you’re upset at someone, or having an argument or a disagreement, or a debate as things turn out to be sometimes. My husband is a great debater. I think any time when there’s strong emotion it’s really helpful. There’re times when I’m upset or stressed out, he will say to me “I need you to take a minute, take a breath, and try to figure out what you need me to do.”
Our daughter. Little ones have so many feelings but they don’t know how to express them.
Sarah: Yes!
Steph: Everything is very big to them. And so we’re working with her on “okay, take a breath.” And she’ll do a big animated hmmmm, huuuuuh [deep breath in followed by an exaggerated exhale with emphasis added], and then it’s “okay, now tell us.” We’ll try to help her name her feelings, what’s going on, why she feels that way. That’s been really helpful for her and us. As adults we forget. We look through our adult lenses and we’re like “it’s not a big deal.” We forget that [for] kids from that toddler even up to high schoolers, everything’s a big deal. They have that limited life experience, so we have to also take a deep breath (and) remember “oh yeah, she’s three.”
Sarah: Yeah. That’s good. We’re going to talk about empathy a little towards the end.
Was there any awkwardness? Was it comfortable? If you can remember, what were you thinking during that brief time where you pause to take a breath? Do you feel like your response was better as a result?
Steph: Yeah. I don’t like confrontation. Not many people do. If there’s ever a time where I have to stand up for myself in a situation where I feel like I might be judged or something, I feel awkward in that situation anyway. So I will sit longer, just trying to make myself comfortable and to make sure that I choose my words wisely. I have a tendency to just choose whatever words are available. The other person’s looking and waiting for [me] to speak and [I’m] just sitting there quietly. Nobody cares in those situations. Nobody’s mad at you.
But it sometimes can feel awkward taking those longer pauses. I think it’s helpful to remember that it’s worth taking that extra time to make sure that we are choosing our words correctly and that we’re not doing anything to worsen the situation. In fact we’re doing something that will help the situation, even though at the time it may feel strange or counter intuitive.
Sarah: Sometimes when I’ve had people pause when I’ve shared something, and they haven’t responded right away, and it’s a brief pause, it actually makes me feel like they’re listening, and thinking, and processing what I’m saying. If it’s too long of a pause it can get awkward. But if there’s a pause, it reassures me that they’re listening and focusing in and trying to collect their thoughts and ideas. It increases the anticipation too so that I’m ready and eager hear what they want to say. If somebody’s too quick to respond to me, then I’m wondering [if] they’re even paying attention. I feel when people respond to me by taking a moment and pausing, it brings me comfort knowing that they’re actually really engaging with me and paying attention to what I’m saying. Does that make sense?
Steph: It does, yeah. It’s against what we would normally think. I think those short pauses move a conversation along better than a quick response. But I think for most of us it is counter intuitive because we feel like we’re not being productive if we take a pause.
Sarah: But the reality is it does, like you said, moving along the conversation. I feel like it makes the conversation smoother too.
Engaging with Others Using Non-Verbals
Let’s talk about some of the ways we can communicate non-verbally to others. In the Live Heart-Fully Journal, one of those ways is through our facial expressions. When in conversations with others, what sort of facial expressions have you noticed from others that communicate to you they are fully engaging with you and listening?
Steph: I have a different point of view on this, I think, than a lot of people. My husband is very staunch, look at me in the eye so that I know you’re listening. A lot of the time I need to do that too. But I have discovered in my introverted-ness, oftentimes introverts are very uncomfortable looking at someone in the eye. That’s how we feel. If they’re looking you in the eye, yes, you assume that they’re paying attention.
But I tend to look for more nodding. I tend to look for more active non-verbals to show engagement, if that makes sense.
Sarah: Yeah, I nod a lot when I’m talking with people. I used to be a teacher to by the way, and I was getting my teaching credential, and this was probably about a decade ago now. I can remember being in the classroom and noticing that my instructors would often times, when they were talking, they would give me a lot of eye contact. And I started thinking why? Of all the people that are in this classroom right now. They weren’t calling me out to answer questions. It was just when they were doing their lectures. I feel like it was because I was nodding. In the classroom when they were giving their lectures I would actually nod. I would communicate non-verbally that I was engaged and I was listening and I was even enjoying the lecture.
You’re a teacher so you probably have this experience too. You tend to give eye contact to the ones who you can tell are engaging with you, non-verbally. So if you have students who are on their phones, or if you have students who are just clearly bored, you’re probably not going to be giving them as much eye contact as you are with the students that are nodding their heads and smiling maybe once in a while.
Steph: Yeah. You tend to focus your energy on those ones that you know they’re engaged.
What about those facial expressions that communicate they are not engaging with you but are bored and uninterested?
Steph: Well, if they’re looking at their phone.
When I was in grad school, I used to bring those little tiny tubs of Playdoh?
Sarah: Yes.
Steph: I used to bring that as a, well like a fidget, for lack of a better word. I used to sit there and do […] I’m into cake decorating, so I used to sit there and practice flower work while I was listening to the lecture. That sort of active, non-verbal would keep me engaged. But, I think that is different from just picking up your phone and scrolling. I think it’s an obvious, that someone is bored.
When you work with young children, you learn a lot about adults. When adults are uncomfortable or unknowledgeable, they’ll go back to what they did as a kid. A lot of times, kids practice avoidance, like looking at their nails, or doodling. I think we’ve been so focused on manners, manners, manners, and those old school things have been drilled into us. We take that as them being bored when in fact they might just be feeling uncomfortable.
If someone’s spaced out, obviously they’re thinking about something else. [We need] to step back and think maybe there’s something they’re not understanding. Maybe there’s something that is in the way of them engaging here. Maybe they’re not bored. They’re just uncomfortable in the situation.
Sarah: You mentioned the Playdoh as the fidget toy. I always like to have something to fidget with too. For example, at restaurants if I’m in a conversation. This is not necessarily that I’m bored and not even a discomfort thing for me. I feel like I need to be doing something with my hands. So, you know the wrappers from the straws? When you unwrap the straw you’ve got that little paper wrapper? I like to play with that. I’ll make things and roll it up into a spiral or square, or make a fan out of it. I do that in conversation.
What would you say is the difference between somebody who is not engaging with you and communicating non-verbal boredom versus somebody who is needing something to fidget with to ease their lack of comfort?
Steph: It’s all in their face. Are they still nodding? Are they still practicing those active listening skills? “Oh that’s neat” or “wow, that” If they’re responding to you, asking questions while they’re fidgety. Their eyes, if they’re glazed over and they’re thinking about something else.
Putting Other Things Aside
Let’s talk about engaging with others in conversations. In the Live Heart-Fully Journal, I share a story about a time when someone asked me how I was doing, and they seemed to really want to know. I took a couple minutes to share with this person only to find out, through her response to me, that she was not actually listening. She was preoccupied and busy with something else. Have you ever had an experience where you were sharing something and came to realize they were not paying attention?
Steph: Oh yeah! Every day in class! I know, generally, those in my tribe. When they ask how I’m doing, they really want to know. And then outside of that, I don’t always do that, unless they say something that tells me that they’re listening, or they want to know more.
My husband works in healthcare, and his job has been pretty stressed for the last several months. So, if there were times when I was feeling stressed because of work or being home with our daughter all day, I wouldn’t want to share because I wouldn’t want to add my stress onto him. I would intentionally hold back, which is not healthy. [I would] listen to him, but only half way because I was stressed. We got over that, and we share now. But I don’t want to put myself in the way. I tend to be guarded too as we all can be. [However] I put myself out there where I feel comfortable and hold back where I’m not.
There have been times I’ve caught myself glancing around at other people in the room, looking over the shoulder of someone who is talking with me, letting my thoughts wander away into something else rather than listening, preoccupied with a task, etc. How about you? Have you struggled with listening and engaging with others in conversations?
Steph: Absolutely. I am an awful multi-tasker. I’ve been trying to get better at saying “hey, I hear you want to talk, but let me” or “give me like five minutes and then I can stop and give you more of my attention.” If I notice myself distracted, I try to think about what it is that’s distracting me. What do I need to come back to later? And let myself feel it. Let myself understand what’s there, because obviously there’s something there. Acknowledge it, file it away, and come back to it when I’m done having the conversation. That’s something that’s really hard.
I was first introduced to that by my yoga instructor. At the end of yoga you’re doing your rests, and she said “It’s okay not to empty your mind. If you have a thought, just acknowledge it, and then move on.” [It’s] like [saying] “I’m thinking about that a lot. Let me come back to that when I’m done with this conversation.” It’s something you have to intentionally teach yourself to do.
Sarah: Wow. That’s definitely hard, thinking about the fact that you’re actually acknowledging it and putting it aside to come back to later. Making a mental note about that is very difficult because I just want to keep thinking about it right then and there. Whatever conversation I’m having, of course I’m not going to be engaged in if you I’m thinking about whatever else. To be able to make…
Steph: It’s like treating your brain like a little kid. If you’re thinking about it that much it obviously means something to you. So put it to the side for a minute. You’re not going to forget about whatever that was. And if you do than it was probably not that important. Tell yourself “yes, I hear you. Wait just a minute, and I will get to you in a second. I will get to you when I’m done here.”
Sarah: I think of it almost as a to-do list. Of course you don’t have a pen and paper with you, and you’re not going to pull out your phone to jot something down in your calendar, but you’re going to tell your brain “I understand. That’s a thought I want to have, but I’m just going to dismiss it and I’ll come back to it later.”
Steph: Right. I even tell whoever I’m talking to, even my students, if I have something come up oh my gosh, I can’t forget to pick up milk on the way home [emphasis added], for example. I’ll stop doing the lesson and I’ll say “guys I need someone to remind me when we’re done talking that I need to write this down.” Or my husband, I’ll say the same thing “I need to interrupt for just a second. I just remembered […] it’s really important. Remind me about it when we’re done talking.” And that way, two of us will hopefully remember it, and we can continue what we were talking about. The person may be agitated for a second, but then they’ll realize “she’s telling me this so that she can give me her attention.”
Engaging with Others: Tell Me More About That
Our response to others can often be inviting, or uninviting. In other words, when we respond well to others, it opens up more opportunity for deeper and more meaningful conversations to happen. If others know they can share freely, comfortably, and safely, they are more likely to return to us as a friend and confidant. When someone comes to you to confide something in you, what is your response to them?
Steph: Yeah. I pride myself on being a good listener and being there, and not judgmental. There’re very few things that could shock me these days, so just coming in with empathy on the forefront.
I read a book awhile back, absolutely fabulous, Kelly Korigan, Tell Me More. Absolutely wonderful. I’ve taken that phrase into everywhere. If I’m just talking to somebody “oh tell me more about that.” And I’ve really stopped giving advice unless they ask for it, or unless it’s something really not smart; if it’s like something extreme. But if you just simply “I’d like to hear more about that” it really helps to let their guard down.
Sarah: Yeah. I’m going to have to look into that book now.
Steph: Fabulous! She has a PBS show also, by the same title.
Ditch “I Understand”
What do you do to make room for others to open up and share safely?
Steph: You have to be genuine in your willingness to listen and you willingness not to judge.
The last several years, but definitely more so since this summer, I’ve been learning that what I see of the world and current events is through my filter. I am white, middle class, privileged. I definitely see the world through those filters. As much as I want to, I can’t genuinely say that I understand people who are different. So I’ve learned, definitely with the black lives matter movement, for example, you have to just sit and listen because that’s the only way that you’re going to understand someone else’s experience. You have to go into it without preconceived, the pre-meditated responses.
Sarah: Yes!
Steph: People can tell if you’re genuinely wanting to listen and genuinely open to hearing what they have to say. You just really have to take the time and just lean into their story. I think that’s one of the best things that we can do for each other as human beings. Just listen to the story. It’s harder sometimes than others. I haven’t quite gotten there yet. But that’s it! If you really want to be a safe place for someone.
Sarah: Yes! I agree. I can have some strong opinions of some things sometimes, and my husband reminds me that everything is a matter of perspective, which is based on experiences. We can’t say anything, ever, with absolute certainty, because we don’t know that our personal experience is going to be the same experience as anybody else’s in this world. My experience is unique. It is one of a kind. Everything that we see is through our own lens which has been shaped and molded by our experiences.
So, you mentioned the black lives matter, and the idea that any person can easily say “I understand” especially a white person, when in fact, nobody else can truly understand. Even another black person cannot fully understand another black person because everybody has had their own experiences. Although, at least with black people, they have all lived their experiences under the same umbrella, which has unfortunately been terribly designed, misshapen, and torn. So at least there is a shared sense of empathy between black people that, as much as we want to, white people can never begin to understand.
But we all have lived completely different lives and been raised by different parents and had different experiences in school and with work. I like what you said about just listening and not, not giving advice. Going back to what my husband tells me “it’s all a matter of perspective.” We will never share the same experiences and see things the same way as anybody else on this planet because our lives are different from everybody else’s. Even a sister and brother who have probably had similar experiences and been raised by the same parents will see things differently.
Steph: I think with our kids too as our kids get older, they don’t want to hear what we have to say. Before I taught I did several years in youth ministry. I worked with middle school and high school kids and that was “I can give you advice, but you’re not going to take it. Or I can sit here and listen to you. What I can promise you is I’m going to stay here and listen. And I’m going to stay right here. I’m not going to go anywhere.”
Sarah: That’s such a good response. When people come to me, and even when I go to other people, a lot of times I need to have someone to talk to so that I can process this thing that I’m going through verbally. I don’t really need advice and I don’t really need your permission or your validation. The reason I go to other people is because I need to verbally process it. I think it’s the same for others. They just want to talk, and as they talk, they’re figuring out their own solutions by simply verbalizing it to me.
What are your thoughts about the importance of building others up with encouraging, affirming, and inspiring words (whether or not someone is confiding in you or it is just a typical conversation)?
Steph: I think as long as it’s authentic we should do as much as possible. That make sense? That whole idea, people can sniff out someone who’s patronizing you. If you’re authentic, then absolutely build people up as much as you can. With specific praise too. […] It’s got to be authentic, and it’s got to be specific.
Responding with Empathy
How can we respond in a way that shows care, sympathy, and/or empathy?
Steph: We really need to get away from “I understand” as we were talking about earlier. I know that it’s our fall back as a culture.
If someone has lost someone for example, or going through a hard time, I tend to leave people in their space. I don’t want to bug or assume that they need whatever they may or may not need. We can all start by acknowledging that it “really sucks” or “I’m really sorry that happened.” If that’s all that we feel comfortable saying then that’s fine.
I think just acknowledging people’s feelings goes a long way. We can say “I feel really sad that that happened” or “I don’t even have words.” I will often say “I’m here when you’re ready.” Or “what do you need?” I just don’t like to assume. I’m more of a fan of just giving space. Asking “do you need space?” Or “do you need something right now?” […] “Can I get dinner ordered for you? Can I bring you coffee?” Offering something specific if you can. Acknowledging their feelings is a good place to start. Then the next step, if you feel comfortable, offering help or assistance.
Sarah: Those are really good responses. It’s so true. It actually reminds me of my child, and this is true of adults if someone has gone through grief recently. We can learn a lot from our children too. So, the same response that I have towards my son is the same response I should have towards my friends or family members.
With my son, if he does something, or let’s say he has an accident and he has an owie. Maybe he hurt his head, bumped his head and he’s crying. I will pick him up and put him on my lap. He loves sitting on my lap. It’s comforting for him. And I let him cry. I don’t really even say anything.
Then after several minutes when he calms down, I’ll ask him what happened. He’ll try the best that he can to explain it to me. Then I’ll say “well I’m really sorry. That must’ve hurt bad. I’m so sorry that you are in pain.” Then leave it at that. Sometimes I’ll say “is there anything I can do to help comfort you?” I don’t always say that but he might ask me to read a book to him or tell him a story because those are the things that comfort him.
That response to him is the same response that needs to translate to my friends and family members when they’re going through something.
When my son has a bad day at preschool (he’s learning about socialization right now and so some days are really good and some days aren’t), he’ll get in the car and he’ll either cry or he just doesn’t want to talk. I’ll ask him how his day was and he just won’t want to say anything. When that happens I’ll look at him and grab his hand or put my hand on his knee and I’ll say “okay well when you’re ready, I’d love to hear about your day.” But I’m not forcing him to share. Sometimes he’ll tell me several hours later, or at dinner. Sometimes, he won’t tell me at all.
Having those similar responses to our friends and family members can be so valuable in building trust.
You said, offering dinner or coffee or a specific service. That speaks more than trying to have a conversation. Go grocery shopping and pick up groceries for them. We can go over to their house and bring them coffee and not even have to talk about the issue, whatever it may be. We can talk about other things. Eventually when they see that we care and that we’re there, maybe they’ll open up and start talking. But even if they don’t talk, that’s okay too because they will still see us there and know they are loved. That’s beautiful Steph.
Are there any additional things (stories, advice, thoughts) you can share about learning to respond well to others?
Steph: Probably the biggest thing right now is remembering the difference between responding and reacting. When you react to something, that’s non-meditating, involuntary. That’s when you end up yelling. Response is often the more responsible, caring way to go to enter a situation. We can be very quick to react to people who aren’t, for example, taking Covid as seriously. With the exception of our work we don’t go anywhere, and I feel like I’m in the minority of that. (With) the separation in our society and the division, political, we can be real quick to react to people who are different from us. But those reactions are often damaging down the road. You don’t always remember the situation but you remember how they acted towards you.
All of us need to take a minute and just breathe. So far 2020, and then so far into 2021, we haven’t had a lot of breathing room. We need a day without one historical event! Stop, and just take some space. Those feelings that we have when something happens or someone does something to us, or we see something on television, they’re there for a reason. We need to acknowledge those feelings. That’s a passion that’s in there. We don’t need to ignore that. We need to think about what’s a productive way that I can respond that’s respectful but also helpful. We’ll get a lot further in our relationships and in the world in general if we take that minute to stop ourselves from reacting and change it over to thoughtful response.
Highlights: Engaging with Others and Responding Well
- Pause. Take a breath.
- Give non-verbal clues to show you are listening and engaging with others in conversation.
- Put other thoughts aside temporarily and focus on the person and the conversation.
- “Tell me more about that” and resist the urge to give advice.
- Ditch the phrase “I understand.”
- Respond with empathy, choosing silence over words if you have no words.
Take Action for Engaging with Others and Responding Well
- This month, be intentional about engaging with others in conversations. Practice pausing. Take a breath before responding to others in a conversation.
- Decide to smile and/or nod when having conversations to show you are engaging with others this month.
- Consider what it takes for you to stay focused on something or someone. Make an effort to implement that same strategy in your conversations top show you are engaging with them. Do you get distracted by thoughts, tasks, movement going on around you? What can you do this month to help you put those things aside so you can better focus on engaging with others in conversation?
- What is one thing you can put into practice this month to be a comfortable and reliable friend for others to open up and share in a more vulnerable and transparent way?
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The Live Heart-Fully Conversations are published on the first Monday of each month for the year 2021.
Love this post! There is so much truth and insight! It is hard, but it is worth trying to pause before we say just whatever comes to mind. I will definitely be trying to incorporate these more. Thank you!
I am so glad this has inspired you. Yes it can be hard to pause first, but it does help us collect our thoughts so that in the end we can respond better.