Crying can be such a wonderful, healing, and cathartic thing to do. There are moments in all of our lives when we are deeply moved by something, or deeply hurt. I know it’s strange, but I have often enjoyed my cries, (despite that others may see the uglier side of my face). Afterwards, I just feel better, and oddly refreshed. When you experience those moments (of being deeply moved or hurt), you may ask yourself, is it okay to cry. I am writing this blog to tell you that it IS okay to cry.
I would love to stop buying into cultural expectations around crying. After all crying is what makes us human, and it is a way to process and cope with pain and/or joy. It is also a way to communicate to others that you might need help when you cannot find the words to ask. Crying is beautiful. I know it seems strange and counter-intuitive, but let’s embrace our cries!
For this Live Heart-Fully Conversation I spoke with Hannah Smith. She absolutely agrees with me on this subject of crying, and actually has some wonderful truths to share about crying (and NOT crying). I invite you to join the conversation below and would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section at the bottom.
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About the Live Heart-Fully Conversations
Welcome to the Live Heart-Fully Conversations! The Live Heart-Fully Conversations are a series of interviews and conversations created to inspire, provoke, and challenge you to go deeper in feeding your own soul and pursuing stronger, authentic relationships with others. Over the next year, I am talking with some amazing powerhouse people who have had some true challenges, lived through them, and are now sharing their own personal power stories.
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Welcome Hannah Smith
Prior to the onset of Covid 19, Hannah Smith worked as a nursery and preschool director, and had also been the director of a K-8 school. In addition, Hannah is a talented singer and professional recording artist. She has experience in traveling and performing for faith-based events. Currently, Hannah’s biggest passion is writing, speaking and mentoring women who are searching for emotional and mental healing and restoration. She loves pouring back into other women and helping them find freedom in their personal walks with God. Because of this, Hannah is aspiring to become a Christian Counselor, where she can continue working with women on their healing journey.
In addition to her passion for seeing women through their healing journey, Hannah writers for her blog, Marked Life Blog, Hannah aims to illuminate the path to purpose, stronger faith, emotional healing and restoration for women. She has also written and published an ebook titled, Through the Turbulence, a book of desperate, deep, heart-heavy prayers to press closer to God, all inspired by suffering, disappointments, and strain in life. Hannah also has a podcast called She’s Marked, focusing on directing our brokenness to the God who loves us deeply and heals us into complete wholeness.
Lastly, Hannah has been married to her high school sweetheart for eleven years (together for nineteen years). Together they have three beautiful daughters. During this past year, Hannah has worked as a stay at home mom where she has assisted and helped her eldest daughter through virtual learning, managed a toddler, and also recently gave birth to a newborn baby.
The Conversation: It’s Okay to Cry.
Describe the social/cultural climate around the subject of crying.
Hannah: It really depends on environment and even culture. Often times, crying has a sort of negative connotation which can make people uncomfortable. It can be viewed as a sign of weakness, or something that only “women do” and it also holds a connotation of being overly sensitive or emotional. Again, it depends on the context as well.
Sarah: I certainly agree that crying is viewed as a sign of weakness, for men. However, I think it is also perceived as a sign of being overly emotional, or too dramatic for women.
Why do you think it is this way?
Hannah: Even though crying is a natural God-given response, there is a discomfort around it – perhaps due to the high level of vulnerability that is perceived to come with crying. In our western culture, the goal can oftentimes be to appear competent, level headed, strong, always in control, and “good”. Crying shows our humanness and that we hurt, we feel fear, we feel overwhelm (whether good or bad), and it can be incredibly hard for us to allow others to see us in this light.
Sarah: Yes, it is very difficult to allow others to see us in any way that makes us look fearful, hurt, and vulnerable. I just want to put this out there though, that while crying does show a more vulnerable side of ourselves, it does not mean that we are incompetent or weak.
Have we always believed the idea that crying shows fear, hurt, vulnerable, weakness, incompetencies?
Hannah: I don’t necessarily believe so, but it’s possible. When I reflect on instances in scripture where we see different persons weeping and mourning, it appeared to be more normalized. There was a weight that weeping brought with it. It didn’t seem like it was shunned or ridiculed, especially when it was a man weeping.
Sarah: Yes, that is true. I believe there was a time when it was much more acceptable to show emotion through crying. I know that Jesus wept. The Bible does make that very plain through scripture. I’m also certain that David cried many times too. He was definitely an emotionally intelligent man as we see evidence of that through the Chronicles and the Psalms. Jeremiah, we know cried, and I imagine many more of our favorite men and women from the Bible. Of course these stories happened a long time ago. However, I believe that even in more recent times, for example, within the last several hundred years, there was a time when crying was more acceptable.
Is it Okay for Boys to Cry?
What often happens when boys cry?
Hannah: Generally, boys are discouraged from crying, or it isn’t given the same level of empathy or sensitivity as it is for girls. There is a notion that too much crying from boys strips them of their masculinity or will make them too ‘soft’ or emotional.
Sarah: Yes, indeed the idea that masculinity does not involve or include crying! It pains me to see this happen as boys begin to grow and mature into men.
At what age do you believe this starts?
Hannah: I believe this could start as young as toddlerhood or young childhood.
How might parents unknowingly feed into the idea that boy don’t cry because it shows weakness (or because of any other reason)?
Hannah: Parents may unknowingly not show as much affection or concern when their sons cry. They may brush off the contributing factor or source of the crying or undermine it – even in their attempt to comfort their sons.
Man Up!
What are your thoughts about the phrase, Man Up (for boys as well as adult men)?
Hannah: I think that parents can come from a sincerely genuine and well-meaning place when they say this. They aim to raise tough resilient men, and they believe that playing into anything too mushy could potentially jeopardize this. This phrase basically tells someone to quickly get over it, don’t feel, and take it. Unfortunately, it can create confusion on exactly how a man should deal with big emotions – which they will inevitably face. I believe it adds pressure to suppress, numb, and repress. The dangers of this lead to a lot of depression and anger in our men.
Sarah: Yes, this is so true Hannah! I love that you said that boys, as they grow will inevitably face big emotions because we are all emotional beings. Whether boy or girl, man or woman, we all have emotions. For boys, as they grow and mature, they are taught (however unintentionally), that it is not okay to cry. Most often this happens through seemingly harmless actions, manners, and comments. I also want to add that boys learn, however unintentionally it may be, that it is not okay for them to share their big emotions and talk about them. Therefore, they are expected to let things go, to get over it, to Man Up.
In the midst of doing that for so long, those big emotions really just get bottled up because they were never dealt with in a healthy way. So, we end up having a bunch of men who struggle with anger issues even as adults. Our men are not encouraged to deal with their emotions and stress in a healthy way.
There is a Netflix documentary, The Mask You Live In, about this very subject. My husband and I watched it a few years back when our son was a baby. It follows several boys ranging in age from toddlers to teenagers. What we see as we watch are these young uninhibited toddler boys who have deep emotions and are very aware of those emotions. They also express them freely. Then we see boys as teenagers, and as teenagers, they are very bottled up in their emotions and feel as though they cannot talk and share freely about those emotions. There is a drastic change that occurs toddlerhood to adolescence in how boys deal with their emotions.
The overall idea is that society and culture place an expectation upon our boys to just deal with it, or Man Up. So our boys have very little support and encouragement to learn how to navigate through their big emotions.
How would you define emotional resilience?
Hannah: I’d describe emotional resilience as the ability to roll with life’s blows and woes. Not only being able to soundly handle these valleys in life, but being equipped to be sober-minded through it and knowing how to depend on the Lord. Emotional Resilience involves self-control and regulation, emotional maturity, and being able to be farsighted in the midst of the “here and now”. This in turn influences our responses which then can influence outcomes.
Is it Okay for Girls to Cry?
How do people perceive a girl who cries?
Hannah: A girl who is crying is much more socially acceptable – although there are still limits placed on just how much crying is tolerated before she is labeled emotional or hypersensitive, etc. I have actually heard the phrase that ‘crying is a woman’s emotion.’
Sarah: Oh wow! That is a powerful phrase. I am not sure what to think about it yet. It seems degrading and derogatory because it belittles women and it also seems to take the humanity out of crying. It makes the act of crying abnormal and shameful.
At what age do you believe this starts?
Hannah: From infancy.
Is there a significant difference between a young girl crying and an adult woman crying? Explain.
Hannah: A young girl crying is seen as more acceptable, as she is young and is perceived to still be learning how to handle life, and is still maturing and learning to regulate her emotions. It may be even more expected from a young girl. A woman is perceived or expected to be more in control of herself, yet crying may still not be too taboo for her. I do believe that crying for a woman has its limits before she is labeled or even criticized for it.
Sarah: Yes. I believe that too and have even experienced it myself as an adult woman. There was a time I was working for a high-tech company in the heart of Silicon Valley. The industry was very male dominated and hostile. I struggled a lot in my attempts to earn the respect of the men I supported and shared office space with.
I came into the office one day and gave a brief training presentation on some stuff I had researched. The presentation went very well, and yet, I was still not satisfied. After the meeting, I remained in the conference room for a few minutes after everyone left. There was a male friend of mine who stayed back too. I cannot recall whether I was actually crying, but I know I was visibly showing some emotion and pain, probably in my posture and my face. After chatting with my friend for a few minutes, I finally told him, very transparently, that I needed more encouragement around here. He looked at me very plainly and said ‘this a business Sarah. Encouragement is not something you get here. You need to get yourself together and be a professional.’
I was shocked so much because in my mind, part of what it means to invest in employees is to build them up with positive affirmations, encouragement, and support-whatever support they need. But that is a different topic. I share this personal story because I am making the point that even for women, crying and/or showing any sort of raw emotion is not acceptable in all circumstances.
The Benefits of Crying: Why is it Okay to Cry?
What are some of the benefits of allowing ourselves to cry when we need to?
Hannah: Crying relieves stress and tension. It helps to communicate what words cannot.
Sarah: That is so true! When we just don’t have words! I will also add that crying really can be healing. It relieves the stress and tension as you said, but also the pain. It just washes it all away.
If women can discover any of those benefits to crying, is it possible for men to also? Why or why not?
Hannah: Anything is possible. It may be much more difficult for a man to discover those benefits, particularly if he has been trained all his life to view crying in a negative way. It may be tremendously difficult for him to be this vulnerable with himself or allow himself to be this vulnerable with others.
Sarah: I love that you said ‘vulnerable with himself’ too. We already talked about the struggle men have with showing and expressing emotions to others. But I wonder how many men are even able to allow themselves to feel those emotions when no one else is around. Perhaps I am generalizing too much, but it is a thought that just occurred to me.
What/When are there times where crying can be appropriate?
Hannah: In cases of extreme circumstances (both good and bad – death, tragedy, mental/physical/emotional pain, birth, success, etc.).
Sarah: Yes. Those are definitely examples of times when crying is more than appropriate.
Our Personal Stories Concerning Crying
Are you a crier? If not, do you completely struggle with crying, or are you somewhere in between?
Hannah: I do cry often (weekly). I have become more comfortable with my tendency to cry as I have aged. I am less likely to cry in a professional setting.
When/why do you most often find yourself crying and/or wanting to cry?
Hannah: I cry most often in worship and prayer to the Lord. I also cry when I am overwhelmed, angry, hurt.
Sarah: I have a tendency to tear up when I am worshipping too, sometimes more than others, meaning occasionally I am balling and other times I am just tearing up a little. It is usually because I am very aware of the measure of grace and forgiveness He has extended to me, and I am just amazed by it.
Holding Back the Tears
Describe a time when you had to hold back tears and it was a struggle?
Hannah: Due to my upbringing there have been many a times where I felt I had to hold back tears in order to feel as though I was being taken seriously.
Sarah: Oh, I totally understand that. There have been many times I have held back tears when I have been in heated, or aggressive conversations with others.
Even though it’s not true at all, there is this feeling that if a person starts crying in the middle of an intense conversation, it removes all their credibility. There was a time in my very early twenties when I was going through some deep, deep healing. God was taking me into a place of extreme vulnerability. For about six months I cried myself to sleep every night.
Also at this same time, I was reaching out to some leaders in the church community where I was involved. I had already completed two years in an internship and though I was young still, I did feel ready to move forward leading a small community prayer group. However, these particular leaders would not let me lead a group of any sort. And while I don’t recall their exact reasons, I believed at the time, and perhaps even still, that they saw weakness in that I was still broken in some ways. Because of my vulnerability, my pain, and because they saw me crying a lot during that season of my life, they kept saying no to me. I felt so alone and misunderstood.
I share this because I want to really make the point that crying, allowing vulnerability, and any other expressions that might show a human frailty does not in any way negate a person’s credibility or competence.
Did it benefit you or someone else to hold your tears? Explain why you believed it was necessary.
Hannah: I don’t know that it necessarily benefited myself or them in this instance.
Sarah: I ask this question because there may be times when it may be beneficial to hold back tears, such as the story of when I was at work [shared above]. However, I do think there are times when it might be beneficial to allow others to see us cry. Sometimes crying is a way to communicate that we are not well, or that we need help in some way, or that we are simply just sad. You said earlier that sometimes we just don’t have words to our emotions. So we cry.
Specifically for parents, I believe there are times when we need to allow our own children to see us crying. It might seem counterintuitive, but I do believe it builds strength and allows them to learn empathy. For example, in the fall of 2020, I was experiencing some deep grief and healing from a loss that happened years ago. God was bringing to light some new things and wanting to bring new freedom from the pain of that loss.
My very young son saw me crying nearly every day for about six weeks. There was one night he sat in my lap with me as I cried. I could tell he was feeling sad too. I told him he didn’t have to be sad just because I’m sad. Then he said to me, and I will never forget his exact words, ‘Mommy, I will get my joy back when you get your joy back.’ It was such a beautiful moment we shared together. Aside from the empathy, he also learned that it is okay to feel sad at times and that it is even a natural human emotion.
Letting the Tears Drop Down
Describe a time when you allowed yourself to cry.
Hannah: It has been a process, but I am becoming more comfortable with my emotions. I often allow myself to cry privately and in the presence of close loved ones.
Why did you allow it in that moment?
Hannah: Allowing myself to cry is easier than trying to suppress it.
Was anyone else there?
Hannah: When I cry, the majority of the time I am alone.
Sarah: And that is okay too. That is when we can really release our emotions and cry, without inhibitions.
How did you feel afterwards?
Hannah: I feel relieved and sometimes more connected to what it is that I am feeling – even if the contributing factor is still present or not solved.
Is it Okay to Cry-Final Thoughts
Are there any final thoughts or words of encouragement you can share, particularly with parents as they contemplate this topic of crying?
Hannah: I would encourage parents, as they raise their children, to have a vision for their parenting beyond providing shelter and clothing, etc. Include emotional intelligence and resilience in their parenting and of course spiritual development. The Word of God is our guide for life and parenting. Embracing and cultivating our children’s emotional life will help them be better balanced and aware as they grow and have to interact with others and the ebbs and flows of life.
Sarah: Thank you so much Hannah for taking the time and sharing your thoughts on this subject. It has been such a pleasure talking with you.
Highlights: Is it Okay to Cry? YES! It’s Beautiful.
- Culturally, crying has not been well received among girls, boys, men, and women alike. It has not been socially acceptable.
- There are certain gender-defined perceptions of crying. For boys: (1) Crying shows weakness. (2) Boys are not supported in learning to navigate their emotions and therefore struggle to deal with them. For Girls: (1) In the early years, girls receive more empathy and compassion when they cry. (2) Crying tends to be more socially acceptable among girls. (3) However, girls are labeled ‘emotionally unstable,’ or ‘hyper-sensitive’ if they cry too much and/or too often.
- Crying relieves stress, tension, and heals the mind and heart.
- Generally speaking, crying and showing emotion does not negate a person’s credibility or competence.
- Occasionally allowing others to see us cry (including but not limited to our children) can encourage empathy and compassion.
Take Action: Is it Okay to Cry? YES! Embrace it.
- Consider your own thoughts and ideas concerning cultural perceptions of crying.
- Do you feel that your gender has affected your ability to navigate your own emotions and share them transparently with others? If you are a parent of a boy, what is your response when your son(s) cries? If you are a parent of a girl, what is your response when your daughter(s) cries?
- Finally, next time you feel you need it, give yourself a good cry. It’s okay if it is in a quiet, private place. Just let it happen naturally and don’t hold back.
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The Live Heart-Fully Conversations are published on the first Monday of each month for the year 2021.
I’m a crier. Always have been. I’ve been told on numerous occasions to “stop crying” but I never do. I have seen too many loved ones hold all those emotions in and it’s never ended well. The emotions only build up inside. This is a great read. Thanks 🙂
Lynne-So glad you have found freedom to cry in your life and amongst your loved ones. And I am also glad you have not let others hold you back on that. I absolutely agree that we have to let ourselves cry because when don’t, those emotions bottle up real big. Eventually they will burst out, and often others will get hurt in the process. It seems like you have already experienced some of that. I am glad you enjoyed this reading.
I’m very emotional and I cry too.
God is my go to.. without Him I couldn’t go on.. ty so much for being an inspiration God bless you and your family 💗🙏
I am so glad this encouraged and inspired you Donna. I’m so glad you lean on your Creator too. Don’t ever let anyone take that away from you. And be proud of your tears because they are cleansing and healing to our souls.