The Benefits of Spending Quality Time with Your Kids

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Take time for quality time with you kids – Watch these benefits unfold

I know that for parents, especially mothers, spending quality time with your kids when they are babies is not difficult considering that babies are mostly attached to their mothers at either the hip or the chest. However, my questions to those of you reading this is, “How can you extend that quality time into their childhood and beyond?” and “What are the benefits of doing so?” Find out my own thoughts to these two questions below.

But first…

A Brief Anecdote about My Son

At four months old, my son was diagnosed with Torticollis, an acute or chronic condition characterized by intermittent or sustained contractions of the neck muscles which causes the head to tilt or turn sideways, bend forward or backward, or jerk abnormally. Admittedly, his was a very mild case, but still required several months of physical therapy and at home exercises. Six times every day for about nine months, I was down on the ground with my baby, stretching his neck muscles, sometimes painfully. I smiled, made funny faces, sang, and talked to him. This was me making a connection with my son beyond the norm. Although painful at that time, I was creating a habit around spending quality time with my kid.

You may ask, “my child hasn’t had any issues like that? How is this important to me?”

Quality Time with your Kids(aka Heart & Soul Time)

From our experience with helping our baby relieve his symptoms of Torticollis, a habit was created in our family, which we now call Heart & Soul Time. Heart & Soul Time really isn’t about Torticollis, or doing neck stretches several times a day. Long after my son graduated from physical therapy, my husband and I continued getting down on the ground with him. We still smiled, made funny faces, sang, and talked with him. This habit has become such a regular, consistent part of our day that without it, things just don’t go well for any of us.

Fast forward:

Shortly after my son turned three, we entered into a whole new wavelength of parenting that dumbfounded both of us and forced us to seek help. You see, my very compliant, sweet, and helpful son who had skipped the terrible twos started wanting more independence. And he challenged us, (particularly me) on nearly everything. That is when we discovered Amy McCready’s book, If I Have to Tell You One More TIME… You can find out more about McCready and her book here. We’re still reading the book and slowly implementing her suggested tips and tricks. But guess what one of McCready’s most essential tips is! Heart & Soul Time! Of course she calls it Mind, Body, and Soul Time.

Before I tell you more about Heart & Soul Time, let’s look at McCready’s book real quick.

**A Few Notes from ‘If I Have to Tell You One More TIME…’**

You may be asking what Heart & Soul Time has to do with behavior? Believe it or not, there is a correlation between the quality of time you give your kids, and their behavior. This is because investing in quality time with your kids satisfies their two most intrinsic needs. They are the need for significance and the need for belonging, as McCready writes. Without quality time, you can be sure to see an increase in misbehavior in young children, and withdrawal in adolescence. Heart & Soul Time done consistently results in an increase in cooperation, and a reduction in attention-seeking behaviors and power struggles. Your child will realize he doesn’t need to compete with a phone, a sibling, another parent, a show, or a friend. You will make strong mental and emotional connections. And you are reinforcing just how important your children are to you.

These days, our Heart & Soul Time doesn’t always include silly faces and singing. But it does still involve us getting down on our hands and knees in a dedicated, concentrated time with our son. Below are some essential tips and tricks which are at the core of Heart & Soul Time. I am summarizing from McCready’s book. You should get your hands on this book if you haven’t already.

Now let’s dive into some tips for implementing Heart & Soul Time!

Tip # 1. Twice a Day

Heart & Soul Time should be twice a day, typically in the morning and then again in the afternoon or evening. Your want to have time and opportunity to check in and connect with each of your kids. The mornings are fresh and new, and often kids are in a rush off to school. Taking an extra ten minutes to have quality time to connect with your kids before they leave can help put their day in a healthy mindset. This is especially beneficial if there is a lot of tension and anxiety connected with school.

Afternoons or evenings are great times because they allow the kids to unwind, de-stress, and release any burdens from the day. Sometimes providing opportunity to just forget what happened earlier, and play helps. Plus, afternoons are a great time to establish trust in conversation. Trust will be increasingly important as your kids get older. This leads right into the next Heart & Soul tip.

Tip # 2. Do NOT Combine the Time to Make it Once a Day

The days are long. A lot can happen between 8AM and 3PM, especially when at school. Taking time to reconnect with each child after school will open opportunities to talk and share about things of concern. Younger kids may just want to play. Trust me, as your kids mature and gain more independence through adolescents, you will want Heart & Soul Time when they return from school. So, make it a priority to separate out the 20-30 minutes between morning and afternoon/evenings.

Here’s another very important tip.

Tip # 3. One Parent, One Child

I know it can be tempting to have Heart & Soul Time with multiple children at the same time. I also know that on very busy days, with school, practice, homework and household responsibilities, things can get crazy and it is easy to lose track of time. But One Parent, One Child is important because it is one of the core reasons for Heart & Soul Time. Each child needs to have time with each parent- a time where she is not competing with siblings for the attention of the parent.

I know One Parent, One Child becomes more difficult in larger families where more children are involved. I understand this complication. So below I have outlined a few extra tips to help you in planning quality time with your kids. Be flexible, work together, and do your best to make Heart & Soul a priority, however you need to work it into your days.

A Few Extra Tips Concerning One Parent, One Child

Team up with your spouse.
Determine the best time in the morning and the best time in the afternoon, and make it a regular date.
If you have two children, Mom can have her Heart & Soul Time with one child. Dad has his with the other. Then switch.
If you have three children, set a time each day when they are working on either homework or an activity that they can easily be pulled away from for twenty minutes. Then, when it is time for Heart & Soul Time, you and your spouse can team up and each take one child. Then switch. In the meantime, the third child is working on homework. When the first two children are done, they can go back to their work. Now, the third child can have his Heart & Soul time with each parent separately.
If you have three or more children and it is absolutely difficult to have Heart & Soul Time with each child, it is okay if you need to alternate days with each child, continuing twice a day. You can also choose to alternate days between each parent. Another option is you can prioritize Heart & Soul Time once a day but with all children.
If you are a traveling parent, I understand that Heart & Soul Time can get complicated or nearly impossible for you. My best suggestion if you fall into this category is to first, make sure you are taking the time to call and talk with each of your children, separately. Second, make Heart & Soul Time a priority on the days you aren’t traveling. You don’t necessarily need to increase the length of time to compensate for the loss while you were away. But just be sure to devote that quality time to each of your kids when you are home, and be fully present during those times. They will always look forward to it!

Check out this next important, but often difficult tip!

Tip # 4. Let the Child Decide

Letting the child decide the activity goes back to those two intrinsic core needs every child has which McCready writes about in her book, If I Have to Tell You One More Time… They are the need for significance and the need for belonging. Giving each child the power, or authority, to determine what she wants to do with you during Heart & Soul Time will make her feel like she has a place of importance, significance and belonging – and that you specifically want to know her and engage with her in her world, regardless of what that looks like.

For a toddler, it will mean getting down on your hands and knees and crawling around with her. You’ll be building towers, racing cars, digging in the dirt for dinosaurs, rocks, or worms. Last year, we went out to the vernal ponds and collected tadpoles and brought them back to our patio. Over several weeks, fed them, and kept their water clean until we had frogs. For a teenage girl, she may want to talk, or share her favorite new songs with you. She may want to go shop for a bit. Maybe there are other hobbies she wants to share with you during Heart & Soul Time. For a teenage boy, it may mean pulling out your guitars and jamming together, talking about something, playing basketball out in the driveway, or catch out in the park. Whatever the activity is, let the child decide.

A Quick Note about Letting the Child Decide

Just one quick thing though about the activities- Heart & Soul Time should be about connecting with your child face to face. Therefore, if an activity is shoulder to shoulder such as watching a show or playing video games, limit the number of times spent on it. If Heart & Soul Time is new and a little awkward at first for you and your child, these are great options to break the ice. But eventually you want to spend your quality time with your kids making stronger connections through more meaningful activities-face to face, not shoulder to shoulder.

This last tip is super hard, but absolutely necessary!

Tip # 5. No Distractions

Heart & Soul Time should be a time when your child knows without a doubt that he has your full, undivided attention. He should not have to compete with anyone or anything else. That means put away ALL your devices including your phones. Let others in the house know you are having Heart & Soul Time with (insert child’s name). Don’t engage in conversations with anyone else during that time. Turn off your television. This is your quality time with your kids, individually, so be fully engaged. Give your full attention to your child during this time. It will be so worth it!

And there you go! Heart & Soul Time! I encourage you if you have read through this blog to this point, give Heart & Soul Time a fighting chance for you and your children. You will start seeing the benefits right away. I know for certain that when you start satisfying those needs for significance and importance, the way your children listen and respond to you when you ask them to go make their beds will drastically change. If you are doing this already, or if you are going to give it a try, drop me some comments below to let me know how it is working for you and your family.

If you enjoyed reading this, you may also enjoy…

How to Provide Daily Structure for Toddlers at Home
Five Steps to Successful Toddler Quiet Times – Because if you are a parent, you need some quiet time!