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This one mindset shift in dating culture will change everything for you
Alright, ladies, it’s time for some real talk. Whether you’re single, married, or in that ‘it’s complicated‘ phase, you’ve likely measured the men in your life against the List. You know the one. It’s the running mental checklist of must-haves, nice-to-haves, and deal-breakers. It feels like the ultimate guide to finding “The One” and having a satisfying, healthy relationship. But what if we’ve been going about it all wrong?
This post isn’t about settling. It’s about a total mindset shift—one that can change not just your relationships but your life. A friend of mine taught me this lesson one random afternoon. And trust me, it hit me hard. Stop endlessly searching for Mr. Right and start building the kind of love that lasts—because, girl, this is for you.
So keep reading. This might just be the relationship advice you didn’t know you needed.
Okay ladies, listen up! All my single ladies out there, this blog post is for you. Also, for all my married ladies out there, I have some sage practices for you too. This quick read is going to transform your life and marital relationship for the long game.
a story about a friend and her relationship
A friend of mine was with me one afternoon. I’ll call her Star for the sake of maintaining her privacy. She kept me company while I drove around a brand-new city looking for an apartment to rent. I was in my late twenties and in the midst of a job transition that required a relocation.
Star recently started dating a young man who lived nearby. So she also relocated to be closer to him. They were only a couple of months into their relationship. So the butterflies from the newness of it all were still very real for her.
I knew Star wanted a solid, healthy relationship. I also knew Star was learning a lot in those early months of her new relationship. But, I didn’t realize just how much growth she had undergone until she said something to me that afternoon.
how star changed my perspective on dating and relationships
We stood on the steps of an apartment complex I liked. We were waiting for the office to reopen after their lunch hour. Star shared some of her personal goals and said something so profound it floored me. I had to sit down.
There’s more to read…
She said, “I don’t know much Sarah. But right now I’m just learning how to be the very best girlfriend I can be for him.”
Afterwards, I looked at Star, speechless. I didn’t have words because my brain was attempting to process what she had just said to me. My friend’s maturity blew me away. At the same time, the idea of being the best girlfriend to someone took me by surprise. It had never once crossed my mind. In that moment, I made a mental note for later: this is how to do relationships. This is what a healthy relationship looks like. I felt enlightened, but I needed to ponder what it meant to be the best girlfriend I could be. It truly gave me a fresh new perspective on how to do relationships.
What we think dating culture is about
Up until that moment, I believed dating was about searching for (or waiting for) a man who would meet a specific set of criteria. This criteria was based on qualities a woman believes are important, nice to have in a partner and fun. I believed that List was necessary for compatibility or to meet my needs, so to speak. It was through these beliefs that I would find and keep a healthy relationship for lifelong marital bliss.
However, that afternoon, it occurred to me that I was wrong. Star’s idea was the better way.
Here’s why…
the all too long ‘list’ of criteria
Listen up, ladies. We all have (or have had) our List. I’m talking about our criteria, our must-haves, our nice-to-haves, and our deal breakers. The LIST! Yes, those qualities, characteristics, and attributes you have never written down. You know them because they tug at your heart when you are sitting across from him on your first date.
The ‘List’ of Big Basics
You already know he has the primary stuff down because you are there, sitting across from him. He’s financially stable, has a secure job, maybe a house, or at least is saving for one soon. Yes, he’s incredibly good-looking.
The ‘List’ of Character Traits
Then, there are other important things to you. Things that you may not know how he measures up until a few weeks in. These things might include his mental/emotional stability. Or what his family background is. Whether he’s socially tactful, humble, and capable of recognizing and correcting his wrongdoings. You may want a good listener, someone who is generous towards you and others, supportive and encouraging. Does he recognize your own great qualities? Does he inspire hope in you to fulfill your dreams?
The ‘List’ of Hobbies and Interests
Also, let’s not forget those hobbies and interests too. If you love music, does he play an instrument or two, or three? Will he go to concerts and shows with you? If you love to travel, does he? Is he a reader, a movie buff, or passionate about politics and social justice? What is his faith and does it align with yours? Does he, snowboard, or play a sport like tennis or football? Can he cook?
You can read about all the most important things women have on their Lists. Find out how these things rank against each other according to Forbes here. The Institute for Family Studies also has an interesting article about how earning potential measures up on women’s Lists too.
And your List can go on and on and on, as you know.
doing relationships all wrong
I believe this is how most women do relationships…
She dates, and dates, and dates some more. Yet, she is still searching and waiting for that perfect man for her. I say perfect “for her” because I know she understands that “perfect” doesn’t exist. The “for her” is why she has her List. But let’s be real, it is why every woman has a List.
She is not alone. These days, nearly every single woman seems focused on finding the perfect partner for herself.
Ladies, unfortunately, this is where we are wrong. It may even be the reason many are still in search and wait mode. This mindset may also explain why you feel let down in an unhealthy relationship that falls short of your expectations.
This is what I began to realize that afternoon when Star made her profound comment. She shattered my entire perspective of what it means to be in a relationship.
flipping the script and shifting our mindset
Stop searching and waiting for that man who perfectly meets your criteria. Instead, our focus needs to shift. Being the best girlfriend means we need to start by being the woman who perfectly meets our own criteria.
Your List is not for him to meet. It is for you to meet.
I know this shift in perspective is difficult. For so long, people have taught us to stick to our List and not settle for anyone less. And let me encourage you. It is important to NOT SETTLE! But, it is time to get your focus off the man you so desire to meet. Then, redirect your focus so that it is on becoming the woman you wish to be for him. This is what a successful, healthy relationship looks like.
It’s hard. Believe me. When you meet the man you want to spend forever with, you will find the effort you put in to be worth it. It truly will be worthwhile. This shift in perspective changes the dynamics of the relationship. It is not a self-centered perspective that asks “How can he meet my needs to make me happy?”. Instead, it is a self-sacrificing perspective that asks “How can I meet his needs to make him happy?”.
For more on this topic, read this blog on Boundless.
a healthy marriage relationship starts at dating
I have been married for eleven years. Trust me when I say that the self-sacrificing perspective is the perfect training for a solid, healthy marriage relationship.
You see, marriage is not about getting your needs met. If you think marriage is about getting your needs met, your marriage will inevitably fail.
Marriage is about doing everything you can to meet the needs of your spouse. If you are doing that, then your needs will inevitably be met. You will have many wonderful years of marriage.
marriage mindset shift from fifty to one hundred percent
A while ago, (in the nineties), there was a popular catchphrase about marriage. It suggested that a healthy relationship should be a 50/50 split of effort in every aspect. At the time, it sounded great and aimed primarily to inspire teamwork and compatibility in relationships.
But it is very wrong!
Relationships should never be a 50/50 split. Relationships should always require a 100/100 split. Imagine you are a hiring manager. You are interviewing your next primary candidate. Would you hire the candidate who promised to put in only 50%? Probably not! You want the one ready and willing to put in 100+%.
So it is true in relationships. Every successful, healthy relationship is dependent on each person putting in 100% or more.
If you are putting in 100% to the relationship. If your spouse is putting in 100%, then both of you will be completely content and happy. I know it’s hard work. I realize it is a goal that is perhaps unachievable. But wow! If we can all aspire towards that, I truly believe divorce will be a thing of the past.
the healthy relationship advice you need to live your ‘happy ever after’
So ladies, here’s the bottom line: It’s time we flip the script! Let’s stop measuring our prospects up to our List, and instead, let’s start measuring ourselves up to our List. The goal isn’t to find someone who checks all the boxes. It’s about becoming the kind of woman who embodies the qualities you want in a partner.
Whether you’re single, dating, or already married, focusing on how you show up in the relationship will change everything. Love isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about waiting for someone to measure up. It’s about giving 100%. Know that what you pour into your relationship will come back to you in beautiful ways.
So let’s do the work, not just to be loved but to love fully. Because, in the end, that’s where real, healthy relationship magic happens.