Check out These Powerful Ingredients for How to Stay Married

Seven Essential Ingredients for marriage success and Lifelong commitment

Ten years is a big deal these days. While it is a big deal to hit the ten-year milestone in marriage, it still feels like we have so much more life to live together. To celebrate, my husband and I took a weekend away and did some things we have always enjoyed doing together. I had a lot of time to think and ponder marriage. Why do some marriages work, and others don’t? What has worked for us that has gotten us through the first ten years? Is there something else we need to get us to twenty years? How can we be sure to stay married ‘till death do us part‘?

By the end of the weekend, I concluded that a great marriage is like a recipe with the perfect combination of ingredients. They blend to form marital success – joy, fulfillment, and a lifelong commitment. But what exactly are those ingredients?

The Big Question About Marriage

Now, with Valentine’s Day just past us, and the start of wedding season coming up, it is appropriate to open a discussion about marital success. To do this, I collected the thoughts and stories of several women who have been married for a minimum of seven years. I asked them specifically to respond to the following question:

“What makes marriage work? Please take a moment to share your 1-3 ideas about what you believe makes for a successful, lifelong, generally joyful, and fulfilled marriage.”

It was a shock and a pleasant surprise to find such similarity in the answers I received. I greatly enjoyed reading through all the responses. I kept a tally and have been able to piece together the list below. These are the seven primary ingredients for any marriage to be successful, fulfilling, generally joyful, and lifelong.

I have also added my thoughts and commentary for each one of the seven ingredients. This list, therefore, is one of the most thorough and complete evaluations of what it takes to stay married for the long haul.

Note that this blog is split into two due to the sheer length. However, I assure you that it is well worth the ten minutes to read through and discuss with your partner.

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Number 7 – How to Stay Married: Ditch the 50 and put in 100!

Not too long ago, so-called advice-givers would eagerly encourage young couples about the 50/50 split. It was a common form of advice that seemed to make so much sense to so many couples eager to marry and stay married. Wife puts in 50. Husband puts in 50. Together, we have a 100% fully committed and loving relationship.

This previously trendy idea commonly stretched across multiple areas of marriage life, from household duties and responsibilities to financial contributions, parenting, intimacy, and mental/emotional investment.

Looking back, the advice-givers, which at that time may have even included my unmarried self, were oh so very wrong on this concept.

Nicole Reed shares her thoughts on this split saying, “Marriage is not a 50/50 commitment. We both are 100% committed (maybe even giving more than 100% at times). You cannot view it as ‘as long as they do their part I will do mine.’”

Why Simple Math won’t Ensure we Stay Married

While mathematically it works, the math does not translate to healthy, happy, and committed marriage relationships.

The problem is simple. Putting in 50% simply is not enough!

Putting in just 50% is rather a great recipe for divorce. There is no other area of our lives where we ever strive to just put in 50% and be successful. In parenting, we do everything we can, exhausting ourselves and often our resources to give our children 100%. In our jobs, we put in 100% (though not always effortlessly) to be productive, make money, and even move up the ladder. If I told my collaborating coworkers I was only going to do 50% of the work and no more, I’m confident they would be highly annoyed with me. Certainly, if I told my boss I was only going to put in 50% effort to my job from here on out, I am 100% sure I would be kicked out the door for good.

Now there might be some areas in our lives where we can compromise the effort in exchange for our quality of life. For example, it might be worth taking an 85% (B) on the final exam tomorrow if it means we can sleep an extra hour. Better than tiring ourselves out studying all night. However, even in these isolated scenarios, we are still giving more than 50%.

All this is to say that our spouse doesn’t want our 50% effort in the relationship. Just the same – we don’t want 50% effort from our spouse. Our spouse is counting on us to put a solid 100% into the marriage relationship. And if we’re honest, we want and expect that from them too. That is what makes happy, healthy, committed relationships work.

Putting in 100%

What if I put in my all, my 100, to make my spouse happy and meet his needs in every facet of our marriage relationship? Likewise, what if he put in his all, his 100, to make me happy and meet my needs in every facet of our relationship? Now that would make for an incredibly joyful, lifelong partnership. This is the work that goes into staying married for the long haul.

Waking up every day with this mindset will no doubt change the way we do marriage. I understand that hiccups will happen along the way. However, knowing that we are both putting in every ounce of effort we can on any given day, even on the days where it’s not a full 100, there is still room for a lot of joy in our marriage.

Okay, are you ready for the next essential ingredient on how to stay married for the long haul?

Number 6 – How to Stay Married: Embrace Change and Bend Together!

This is an absolute must if your goal is to stay married ‘till death do you part’.

Life is fluid, and so are people. While we can make plans, it is not reasonable to expect that life is going to be the same in ten years as it is now. Also, it is not fair to expect that our spouse (or ourselves) will remain the same.

As humans, we are always in a state of fluctuation and change. That is why the version of the person you marry this year (or are married to) will very likely not be the same version of the person you are married to in ten, twenty, or thirty years. While the core of our character and personality may remain constant, habits do change. Dreams and desires change. Hobbies and interests change. Circumstances change. We mature, and then we mature again. Change is inevitable. And those changes we experience through life will intrinsically influence how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. They will also inform many of the decisions we make.

Permitting our partner to change, and embracing that change is essential in lifelong marriage relationships. We have to allow one another to adopt new habits while perhaps dropping old ones. Similarly, we need to give each other permission to dream new dreams (or expand on old dreams). Let’s let our spouse grow and respond to the seasons of life in their unique ways, and mature. Shanell West Marinuzzi adds that marriage is all about “Loving each other’s differences and embrac(ing) those differences with love”. We need to move and bend with our partner, together.

Ready for the fifth essential ingredient for how to stay married for the long haul? Read below.

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Number 5 – How to Stay Married: Learn to Fight Well!

Learning to fight well seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? After all, if you and your spouse are lifelong companions, friends, teammates, and lovers, why the need to learn to fight? Well…

…We need to learn to fight well because fights happen!

If we want to stay married for the long haul, we must know how to fight with our spouse well. This is true for small disagreements or full-blown shouting matches. We need to know how to get through these heated times without escalating the offenses and wallowing in bitterness for weeks, months, or years.

Fights are messy, and we don’t want to make a bigger mess. Instead, we need to remember that the end goal is to work together to resolve the issues and move forward. I know this can be so hard when we’re so mad. Yet, it is so important for long-term marriage success.

Well then, how do we fight well?

Everyone fights differently. This can complicate things just a bit because every couple is uniquely different. We all have our methods of fighting and resolving conflicts.

I am no therapist or counselor. However, I reached out to some people who have been married for a minimum of ten years and counting. Below is the input I received from them regarding the three key components of fighting well and resolving conflict.

**Fight Well with Boundaries:

Lexi shares more of her story. “Set boundaries about what is okay and what is crossing the line. My hubby likes to walk away from a fight and never talk about it again. Meanwhile, I am fuming in another room, unable to think about anything else until we talk.”

We didn’t know how to get through this early on. Now, we both know to walk away for an hour and then we must come back and talk. It gives him time to de-escalate, and it gives me time to think. But it isn’t too long that it’s unhealthy.

One time, we even came back to each other after the hour, and both knew what we had each done wrong. We…agreed to not talk about it and simply forgive each other. We didn’t want to waste any more time being mad.”

What a beautiful story. Lexi and her husband have learned to fight well by creating a time-out (or withdrawal) boundary. This allows them to take some time to cool off, think, and refocus on what (if anything) is important. Doing this helps them to better resolve the issue.

Many times, after having a designated time out, we gain new perspectives on what is truly important. Perhaps what we thought was so upsetting to us initially is not. Or perhaps there is something larger that is eating at us that we need to communicate.

**Fight Well with Love:

In its simplest form, fighting well with love means that we are respectful of one another, despite all the anger, all the emotions, and all the tension of the moment. If we’re honest with ourselves, we all know just how to poke our partners in just the right way to make them even more upset. And let’s be even more honest and admit that we have all done it. However good and powerful it may feel to us at the time, it doesn’t help.

So don’t do it.

When we can still show respect in the heat of a fight, we are showing love. Here are some examples of how to fight well in love: avoid verbal slashing by name calling, Don’t blame-shift, and leave the in-laws (who most likely are not even there) out of the conversation. These things also help keep the tension from escalating to higher levels.

**Fight Well with Forgiveness:

It’s so easy, and yet it is oh so difficult. But it is a practice that we must do regularly if we want our marriage to last. Kelli Buck shares “Say sorry. Mean it”. Likewise, Nicole Samantha Morin, says it perfectly, “Say sorry- and mean it! It is okay and healthy to have disagreements. It is okay to make mistakes, but saying sorry and taking accountability goes a long way.”

Yes to that, and you’ll be on your way to a lifelong, joyful, and committed marriage.

But there are still four more essentials. We are getting closer to the number one ingredient, which I’m sure you didn’t think about. First, number four below.

Number 4 – How to Stay Married: Make Respect Habitual!

Let’s be real – respect goes both ways. We have all heard stories where one spouse demands respect from the other. Then, that same spouse personally and sometimes publicly undermines their spouse. This is not a good practice for how to stay married and enjoy your marriage.

Respect must go both ways.

About respect, Nicole Samantha Morin says, “Respect seems obvious, but we are prone to hurting those we feel most comfortable and safe with. Being mindful of this and working to ensure respect is given goes a long way.”

But, what does respect even mean in a relationship? What does it look like?

A lack of respect can show itself in large ways, such as when someone physically or verbally assaults you. This is a clear domestic assault issue and should not be ignored as such. Domestic violence, including mental and emotional abuse from a domestic partner, is real. While every instance of this form of abuse is different, it should never be ignored. If you or someone you know is being abused by a domestic partner, please visit the National Domestic Hotline Website and make the call.

On the other hand, lack of respect can show itself in smaller ways too. Let’s talk for a moment about the regular day-to-day tasks and conversations we have where disrespect happens more often than we realize. Then, let’s talk about how we can change the tide and show respect instead.

**Encouragement and Support:

When sharing your hopes and dreams with your spouse (who we can assume is your best friend), the last thing you want is a word or gesture that shows your spouse doesn’t believe in your abilities or support your goals.

A lack of encouragement can signify a lack of respect.

If there is anyone our partner should be able to share their dreams and prioritize their goals with, it should be ourselves, right!? And when our partner does share, we need to be able to offer full support and encouragement. This is where words of empathy and kindness go a long way. Lindsey Colburn says it so beautifully. Respect is all about showing “Empathy…[and] compassion…having straight priorities, believing in each other and offering full support and encouragement.”

There will indeed be times when those dreams and goals are not in alignment with your overall family’s aspirations. Or they might just be completely unrealistic. However, even when this is the case, having a dialogue with our partners can still be done encouragingly. We need to be able to share potential concerns and brainstorm how to move forward together. Our spouse should not have to ever leave a conversation with us feeling discouraged about their hopes after having shared from their heart.

**Nagging and Micro-Managing

This form of disrespect happens a lot, A LOT, around the topics of household responsibilities and parenting. We all have different ways of doing tasks, handling conflict, and resolving issues. When it comes to household duties and parenting, things can get heated sometimes. One partner might not like being nagged or micro-managed. If that partner doesn’t feel free to do things their way, they might just give up on trying and decide to not do it at all. 

Nagging and micro-managing are disrespectful.

We need to be able to give one another the space and freedom to handle tasks and sibling conflicts, among other things, in the way they are comfortable. Let’s stop expecting they are going to do it the exact way we do it.

I love what Grace Ventura says about this topic, “Even if he’s doing it all wrong, let him do the laundry or dishes.”

In truth, he may not even be doing it wrong (unless he’s bleaching all the darks and ruining them permanently). In most cases, our partner simply does it the way that makes the most sense to them. And that is okay! It is.

I’ll share a personal story to demonstrate the importance of this in parenting.

Our son is a wonderful boy. But he does have moments. When our son was a wee one, we gave him timeouts. This was to give him time to think about his behavior and how he can reset his attitude. After a short time, either myself or my husband would go up and calmly talk with him about his choices. Most of the time I would do this. However, on the occasions when my husband would go, I would instruct my husband on how to talk to our son and what exactly to say. I did this for a long time.

Eventually, my husband spoke up in defense of himself (and rightfully so). He explained that first, he knows what needs to be said. He assured me that he could drive home all the necessary teaching points in a calm manner. Then he told me that I needed to trust him.

I knew he was right. I needed to allow him to be the confident dad he and I both knew he could be. At this, I zipped my mouth shut and allowed him to do his thing. I knew he was right.

While their words, tone, and manner might be uniquely different, it is so important that we show respect to our partners by allowing them to be who they are and to do things in their unique way.

**Always Consider the Other Person

As small as it seems, if you are getting a glass of water for yourself and your spouse is in earshot, ask if they want some water too. It’s disrespectful not to do so. If you know you’re going shopping and planning to spend some money, communicate it to your spouse before you go.

On a larger scale, if we women make intentional efforts to get pregnant without our spouse’s knowledge (whatever the reason may be), we are disrespecting our spouse. I share this example because I think we all know someone (if not ourselves) who has secretly decided to have another baby without their spouse’s consent.

These are just examples and there are many others. But it’s easy to think that these things are common sense and obvious after being married for a while. However, they don’t always come naturally.

It is a sign of disrespect when we neglect to consider our spouse in small and large decisions.

Once we enter into a marriage relationship, most decisions need to be made together. Small decisions such as whether to eat at home or go out to eat. Or offering your spouse something that you are getting for yourself. As well as large decisions such as whether to have a baby, or two, or three. They are all important ingredients for staying happily married for the long term.

 

Our spouse is our teammate and companion. Let’s start making a habit of considering their needs alongside our own. If we see them working hard to maintain the house, offer to help. Or if we see they have had a long hard day at work, let them sit and rest for as long as they need. Even small offers can show love and respect to our partners.

Talking with them through minor and major decisions shows that we care about what they think. It shows that we want to make this decision with them. We need to be able to trust and respect their decisions, even if we have to make compromises to reach them.

**Individual Time and Space

How many of us have ever felt a need for fresh air in our relationship? What I mean by ‘fresh air’ is space. Does it ever get somewhat annoying that your spouse joins you in every single one of your activities, watches all your shows with you, is present at all the events you have with your friends, and just in general, is always around? If you haven’t had this feeling yet, don’t worry, you may or may not.

Whether intentional or not, this type of relationship where you always have to do everything together is toxic.

There are many reasons that a person might feel like they need to do everything together, with their spouse. These may range from a lack of trust, pre-existing anxieties around rejection and abandonment, a codependence disguised as a desire to show love by showing an interest in your partner’s interests, and more.

Regardless of the reasons, we all need our time and space, no matter how short or long we’ve been married.

When we don’t give our partner their time and space, it signifies a lack of respect.

Megan Terry Deers talks about this simple way to show that we respect our spouse, “Give each other the freedom to enjoy time away with friends or pursue your…interests. I appreciate most that my husband understands when I just want to be on my own.”

As couples, we want to be able to enjoy shared interests, and friends, together. However, we also need to be able to enjoy our interests and friends apart from our spouses. It is imperative to our mental and emotional health.

I cannot stress this enough, it is perfectly okay to let your spouse go out on their own for some fun with friends. Likewise, it is okay to let them go on hikes by themselves. And, it’s even okay for them to go on trips with their friends too. Of course, this is all within reason. And of course, larger things such as longer and multi-day trips should be discussed and agreed to as a couple.

When we give our partner their time and space, we are showing them that we not only trust them, but we respect them too.

**Giving Public Honor

Every one of us is guilty of throwing our spouse under the bus or bashing them to our friends. Or even worse, humiliating them in public. If we have not done it ourselves, we have all at some point been out with others who have.

It happens when we start sharing about our spouse’s imperfections in a way that belittles them. Or those times we are gently teasing about something our spouse does (or doesn’t do), but there is a hint of sarcasm and truth in the teasing. Most likely everyone (including your spouse) knows that you are intentionally trying to humiliate.

There are also times when we blatantly tell our spouse to be quiet or stop talking in front of others. Or the times we correct our spouse in front of everyone, followed by an awkward moment of humiliation.

These public jabs at our spouse often occur out of some other underlying bitterness or hurt. Humiliating our spouse creates a feeling of power. When we can successfully cause our spouse to feel small in front of others, we can then feel powerful.

It happens way too often that spouses don’t offer the public support and honor that they deserve. Even gentle teasing can cut to the heart and hurt.

Publicly humiliating or embarrassing our spouse is disrespectful.

Public humiliation and disrespect not only affect our partner, but these are a direct reflection on ourselves too. It is a way to unknowingly allow others a glimpse into the condition of our marriage.

That said, this isn’t even about ourselves. It is about respecting our spouse by honoring and supporting them publicly instead of humiliating them. Remember, among the many wonderful things, our spouse is our partner, companion, and teammate.

We can honor our spouse publicly by engaging with them in storytelling and asking them to contribute or share their opinion about a topic when out with others. Use phrases like:

• “I love what [insert spouse’s name] said the other day about…”
• “[insert spouse’s name] does that so well”
• “I’m so proud of [insert spouse’s name] because…”

Simply talk about how much they mean to us. Or how they have recently helped in a meaningful way. We can also share how they’ve accomplished something that makes us proud.

We can sit or stand near them, display a little public affection, and smile at them in conversations with each other and friends.

One more thing about this because it’s important. If you’re out with friends and your spouse is not there, don’t get into a situation where you say something that you know your spouse would have to defend themselves about. Disrespecting your spouse by publicly humiliating them is never a good thing to do. And it is especially unfair when they are not even there to defend themselves.

The main idea here is to enjoy each other as a team and as companions when you’re out enjoying your friends. Just don’t be mean to your spouse.

Part One Recap – Seven Essential Ingredients for how to stay married

All right now. This is a lot of stuff to take in and think about. Yet, we have only covered the first four essential ingredients to staying married for the long haul and enjoying it. As mentioned earlier in this blog, I have split the blog up into two parts. This is to provide a deeper and more thorough discussion of each of the key ingredients. If you are ready to move on, just click right here to continue reading part two. In part two, I discuss the last three essential ingredients for a truly successful, lifelong, generally joyful, and fulfilling marriage.

But first, let’s sum up the first four essential ingredients for how to stay married:

1. Ditch the 50 and put in 100! Your spouse doesn’t want your half-hearted attempt at loving them.
2. Embrace Change and Bend Together! Give each other permission to change and evolve, and embrace it together.
3. Learn to Fight Well! Establish boundaries, show love even in the heat of the moment, and forgive.
4. Make Respect Habitual! Stop the nagging and micro-managing. Show respect by offering encouragement, and support, considering the other person, giving them time and space as needed, and building them up publicly.

Check out These Powerful Ingredients for How to Stay married.