Begin The Fight Now! Regain Respect, Dignity, and Self-Worth.

Fight – Overcoming Your Fear-Driven Insecurities – Regain Respect, Dignity, and Self-Worth.

The word Fight is not an entirely bad word. In fact, throughout history, there has been very little achieved without a fight. However, fight doesn’t necessarily equate to a physical or verbal battle followed by dire consequences either. A fight can be and is most often the daily battle many of us have to simply take a stand against our fear-driven insecurities that negatively affect our relationships. That is why in this Live Heart-Fully Conversation, we are talking about those fears in detail and discussing how we can regain respect, dignity and self-worth.

That is why I am beyond excited to introduce Lela Putman in this Live Heart-Fully Conversation. Lela is an amazing and strong woman who has truly had to fight not just to regain respect, dignity, and self-worth for herself, but also for her husband of two years.

There are times when life deals a good hand of cards. Then there are times when life deals the more challenging hand. However, the game is not defined by they hand of cards dealt. Instead, the game is defined by how strategically those cards are played. And for Lela, the last couple of years have brought some real and personal challenges for both her and her husband which she discusses in this conversation.

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About the Live Heart-Fully Conversations

Welcome to the Live Heart-Fully Conversations! The Live Heart-Fully Conversations are a series of interviews and conversations created to inspire, provoke, and challenge you to go deeper in feeding your own soul and pursuing stronger, authentic relationships with others. Over the next year, I am talking with some amazing powerhouse people who have had some true challenges, lived through them, and are now sharing their own personal power stories.

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Check out these blogs!

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Welcome Lela Putman

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Disclaimer Alert:

This Live Heart-Fully Conversation includes difficult subject matter involving Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) related to amputations. There is a brief mention of rape (only used as an example). The conversation also includes several examples of fear-driven insecurities. One such example involves an abusive relationship. The examples used are not real. However, they may trigger strong emotions for those who struggle or know someone who struggles with such insecurities in real life.

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The Conversation:

What Does it Mean to Regain Respect, Dignity, and Self-Worth.

When you hear the phrase, “Fight to regain respect, dignity and self-worth”, what does that mean to you? What are some of the first things that come to you mind?

Lela: The first thing that I think of is standing up for yourself or for others. If someone is talking bad or saying things that aren’t nice, things that are hurtful, stand up and say, hey, this is really the truth, here’s what’s going on. Just politely asking them to not say things that aren’t true or correct.

The Epitome of Insecurity

Sarah: Now I would like you to imagine a person

• Who seeks to please anyone and everyone at the risk of losing her own dignity and self-worth.
• She struggles to express her honest and authentic opinions, interests and desires. This is at the expense of her own happiness because she wants to be liked.
• Also, she follows the crowd and neglects to stand up for her own personal convictions.
• Other people, including her own friends and family members, often walk all over her. Most of the time, she doesn’t even notice because she is just so used to it that she believes it is normal and even healthy.
• There are a few times she knows what others say and do is wrong. However, she neither speaks out nor stands up for herself or others.
• Instead, she makes excuses for the wrong doer’s actions and behaviors.

Lela’s Current Struggle in Her Fight to Regain Respect and Self-Worth

There is a lot to digest in this paragraph! However, let’s begin with just identifying one of these fear-driven insecurities that you may recognize in your own life. Which one is it?

Lela: I’m rereading it because I was reading along with you. 

Sarah: I broke them down in the next question. In short, they are People Pleasing Penny, Dishonest Devotion Deborah, Tag-a-Long Thomas, Doormat Dan, Deceived Drew and then In Denial Isabel.

Lela: The one that’s she neither speaks out or stands up for herself. That was the second to last one. That would have been Deceived Drew. But I can also relate to People Pleasing Penny.

Tell us more about that struggle? How have you overcome it? Does it still creep up? If so, how do you deal with it in a healthy way?

Lela: What you just asked me about what comes to […] fighting for dignity, that’s basically the one I struggle with.

My husband and I do a lot of things together. We go pretty much everywhere together […]. Sometimes his family or friends, people he knows, will say something that hurts his feelings. But I just stand there and listen […]. And at the end, he’ll say, ‘Well why didn’t you stick up for me?’ And that’s when it hits me! This is my husband! ‘I know you know I love and respect [him].’ I do need to stick up for him.

Sarah: Yeah.

Lela: People didn’t really do that when I was growing up. I guess I think it’s rude to butt into someone else’s conversation instead of sticking up for them […]. I do still struggle with it a little bit, but I have learned to step in and try to calm the situation. That it is my place as a wife too. To stick up for my husband and anyone in general.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. Anyone that you love and care about. It’s hard too, especially if you’re not a very confrontational person. Man that’s hard […]! You also don’t want to cause any drama. But in the end, especially if it’s your husband, it’s so important to stand up for each other. He is your other half, and you’re his too. So in a way, when people are disrespecting him, they’re disrespecting you both. It might be rude to butt in, but you have to take care of yourself, and say No to that mentality.

The Fight Begins: Unpack Each Fear-Driven Insecurity & Regain Respect and Self-Worth

Let’s now go back to the above paragraph, it describes a person with a lot of insecurities. It is rare that someone would struggle with all of them though. However, most of us struggle with at least one of these six fear-driven insecurities. To name them, they are: 1) People Pleasing Penny 2) Dishonest Devotion Deborah 3) Tag A Long Thomas, 4) Door Mat Dan, 5) Deceived Drew, and 6) In-Denial Isabel. So let’s talk about each of these insecurities and how we can begin to overcome them with a fight to maintain our dignity and respect.

People Pleasing Penny

First- People Pleasing Penny! What advice could you give to people who struggle with making everyone else happy at the expense of their own happiness?

Lela: Relinquish control and I know that’s was one of your other topics. You don’t have to do everything. It’s easier said than done. You don’t have to have everybody like you. You just have to be able to like yourself […].

Sarah: I love that!

Lela: In the end, it doesn’t really matter what other people think of you, as long as you like yourself.

Sarah: Yeah, I agree. That’s true. And I think that when you like yourself and you’re taking care of yourself, then people…

Lela: …like you because you like yourself!

Sarah: Exactly!

People are going to understand. If you upset them because you didn’t do this, you didn’t say it the right way, you weren’t there at that event when they invited you, you didn’t host a party on a day that they were available – if people are upset about those things, they’re just gonna have to get over it. And most likely they’ll get over it because they’re your friend, right? Sure they’re gonna be bummed out for a few moments, and then they’re gonna get over it.

I like letting go of the idea that you have to control everything and everybody else’s feelings. We are not in control of other people’s emotions. We’re only in control of our own emotions. If we are in control of others’ emotions, then a people pleaser is going to always be stressed out trying to make everybody happy. But everybody has their own feelings.

Dishonest Devotion Deborah

Second up is Dishonest Devotion Deborah. These are people who struggle with being true to others in relationships. If a friend likes a particular band, so do they because they wouldn’t want to dislike what their friends love in fear their friends might reject them. What encouraging advice can you offer that will help those who struggle with this in their personal fight to regain respect, dignity, and self-worth?

Sarah: I agree. If you’re trying to represent yourself as a person who is exactly what this friend is, there’s not going to be a lot of excitement in that relationship.

I had a housemate for a little while after college [who] started dating this guy. They were talking on the phone [one evening] in the early months of their dating. I wasn’t eavesdropping on purpose, but they were having a phone conversation and they were in the room and I was in the room too. So I passively heard [the conversation]. 

She was telling him how much she loves to cook because he told her that he loves cooking. I started like laughing because I lived with her and she was not a cook! She basically ate out all the time.

I think about people who tell prospective partners certain things to get them more interested, especially if you’re dating and you’re trying to pique their interest. But you’re telling them things about yourself that aren’t real! You’re giving people a dishonest view of who you are.

Lela: If you tell someone a lie that like that, […] you’re just going to be adding lies on top of each other and then eventually, when they find out the truth…

Sarah: …Yes. Yeah. I mean they’re gonna find out! If the relationship goes anywhere they’re eventually gonna find out. So you might as well just be honest with them up front.

Tag-a-Long Thomas

Tag-a-Long Thomas follows the crowd, often compromising his own values and convictions. How can he fight to regain respect, dignity, and self-worth?

Sarah: I’ll just give you a little personal. This was me! When I was a kid, and in high school, I never really felt like I belonged to any particular group. I didn’t feel very confident or secure in my friendships. And I didn’t feel like my friends really truly wanted me around.

Those insecurities stem back from certain experiences that I had when I was really young (maybe six, or five even). But they grew as I became older. As I became a teenager I hung out with friends, but again, I never really felt like they cared for me. I felt that they had the attitude “If Sarah’s around, that’s okay. And if she’s not around, that’s okay too.” They didn’t really miss me when I was gone. So in my mind, that defined me as a tag-a-long. I always felt like an unnecessary wheel. I was never really invited, but I’m here, and I’m just going to tag-a-long. This is my big issue, especially when I was younger.

So, what advice would you give a person like that to regain respect, dignity, and self-worth? 

Lela: Figure out why you feel that way in the first place. Do you have trust issues?

Then try to build a relationship with just one good friend […]. Hang out with them. Let them show you [they do care]. Once you have a good foundation with one solid friend, build more relationships.

Sarah: For myself, one of the things I’ve done to really overcome this (and it’s still a struggle I have to keep it in check), is to take a step back when I feel like I have a friend who is not putting in as much as I’m putting in.

I have had this happen before. I really felt like I was the one who was always cultivating and nurturing the relationship. She wasn’t very intentional about the relationship at all. And I took a step back. I just let it go- sort of a relinquishing control. I just let it go and I stopped reaching out to her. And eventually she came knocking on my door. That was her way and that’s how I knew she really does care and maybe it’s just all in my mind. Maybe it’s like my own default perception (because of my insecurities) that I don’t think people care when they really do care. In this instance, if she didn’t care she wouldn’t have come knocking on my door. And she brought flowers too.

She noticed I wasn’t calling, I wasn’t inviting her or spending as much time reaching out to her. She noticed it. Yes, it took a few weeks, but she eventually came knocking on my door with flowers. 

And I went down there and sat on the porch with her. I didn’t invite her in, but I sat on the porch and I communicated to her that I can’t be the only one always reaching out nurturing this friendship. I said you have to put effort into this friendship too. If we’re going to be friends, then it has to be two ways.

That’s when I realized the possibility that with my other friends, it’s the same thing. That maybe it’s just my own perception.

I want to say to the person that deals with this Tag-a-Long Thomas insecurity- take a step back if you feel like you’re a tag-a-long. If you feel that others don’t really care either way about having you around. Stop hanging out with them. If they do care about you, they’re going to start calling you and asking you, ‘What’s going on?’ ‘Where have you been?’ ‘We Miss you.’

So while I don’t want to say to be indifferent about your relationships and I don’t like the idea of that at all because Live Heart-Fully is all about cultivating and nurturing relationships, I will say that sometimes it is a good idea to just take a step back if you’re feeling as though you’re putting in all the work.

Doormat Dan

Doormat Dan is often walked all over, used and abused, and takes the blame for almost everything. How can he overcome in his fight to regain respect, dignity, and self-worth?

Sarah: Doormat Dan is the person that gets made fun of all the time. He’s the center of most of the jokes. People use him for things. For example when people need help with something they call on him. Rarely do people actually like reciprocate any of the favors however. Need to borrow money? Maybe you need help fixing a flat tire, or a ride somewhere? Need help moving? Doormat Dan is being used and not really appreciated.

Lela: Sometimes people who are being used, don’t realize it. They might have a suspicion that they’re being used and people are not [reciprocating]. He [Doormat Dan] should be saying ‘Hey I’ll come over. You grab us a bite to eat’, [or something similar]. This is how we say thank you [and return the favor]. [If this is consistently happening], you’re just being used. I would tell them you’re [Doormat Dan] busy and can’t do it. Politely just tell them that you’re busy.

Sarah: Yes! I agree.

Lela: If they’re [other people] asking you for a ride, then say, okay, and ask them [then or even later on] for a favor in return and see what they’ll do. 

Sarah: I’ll give you a ride and maybe you can pick up some drinks for us. 

Lela: If they [Doormat Dan] take the blame for everything they might start believing it, which is, I think, In Denial Isabel.

Sarah: Yes! Deceived Drew, Doormat Dan and In Denial Isabel are all pretty much the same person, the same insecurities.

The difference between them is this:

• Doormat Dan- knows that he’s being walked all over.
• Deceived Drew– doesn’t know it. He doesn’t realize it. He just thinks that it’s normal.
• In Denial Isabel– she knows it but she believes she deserves it. She’s really insecure in that she doesn’t believe she’s good enough or worthy enough to have healthy relationships.

Deceived Drew

Deceived Drew is much like Doormat Dan, except he is deceived. What words of hope and encouragement can you give people who are insecure like Doormat Dan, but deceived? How can he begin the fight to regain respect, dignity, and self-worth?

Lela: Drew is like Dan except he doesn’t know. If that topic comes up [or an opportunity presents itself], I would say [to Drew], ‘that just sounds like a one-sided friendship.’ I would try to make the person aware, gently, that they’re being used.

Sarah: Yeah. Also to Drew, I would suggest, maybe it’s time to ask other people too if others see you as this type of person. And if others are saying ‘Yes. Yes you are that way,’ then go back and do the same advice for Doormat Dan. Just stop giving people favors when they’re not reciprocated.

Sometimes, when you’re deceived and you don’t know you have to go and ask other people ‘Do you think this is true about me?’

Lela: That’s probably a little uncomfortable because you don’t always want to know what people truly think about you if you think it’s going to be bad. So it’s probably going to be uncomfortable but it’ll help in the end.

Sarah: Yeah, I agree. Sometimes the truth is not very nice but in order for us to grow and become healthy mentally and emotionally, and to overcome these insecurities that we’re talking about today and regain respect, dignity, and self-worth, we do need to reach out to those who know us. Sometimes our perception of ourselves is very different from other people’s perception of us.

In Denial Isabel

Finally, In Denial Isabel is much like Dan and Drew (above). However, unlike them, she believes she is deserving of all the ridicule, harassment, and in general, being laughed at, used, and stepped on. How can you encourage people who believe they are deserving of this treatment.

Sarah: So In Denial Isabel is another Doormat Dan, but she believes she deserve this kind of treatment from other people.

For example, this is the person who is in an abusive relationship. Whether it’s physical or verbal abuse doesn’t matter but she is in an abusive relationship. (This may be a real life example, a real thing that happens). There are people who actually believe these things: he calls me these names and he hits me because it’s my fault. It truly is my fault. This is the person who’s so supportive of her abuser and even makes excuses for the abuse. ‘He’s abusing me and I deserve it.’ She’s always making excuses about it because she believes that she deserves it. Maybe she disrespected him a couple weeks ago. Or maybe she burned the chicken last night. She deserves it because dinner wasn’t ready at 5:30 which is the expectation. Whatever the reasons are, she feels like she’s not worthy of being treated with love, respect, and dignity.

Lela: Sometimes we all feel like Isabel. We don’t want to be happy for ourselves.

It’s your [Isabel’s] own state of mind that’s causing you [Isabel] to think that way […], and you [Isabel] have to force yourself to think differently. If they [someone who struggles with this] thinks they’re deserving it [disrespect, abuse, or any other harsh treatment], I would ask them to question themselves […]. Why do you think you deserve it?

I feel like those are some of the hardest. They just believe everything that is being told to them, even if they’re being abused. So, honestly, probably seek help. Talk to a friend, ask them what their opinion is. Having a friend to talk to can really help.

Sarah: I agree with seeking help. I think seeking help is really something that all of us should do- going into counseling or therapy. But I especially believe that with In Denial Isabel and anybody who feels like they aren’t worthy of being treated with kindness, and instead they deserve being ridiculed and abused, used.

It’s okay to get help! It’s okay to see a therapist. There shouldn’t be any negative stigma around that. I think that these days people are more open and willing to go and get help than they were fifty years ago.

But I do believe that being treated with respect by other people is so important. If it’s something that you’re struggling with in your relationships then I want to encourage you to start having some conversations around that topic with others in your life.

Lela’s Fight: An Unplanned Blessing

You sent me an email back in December in which you shared a little about your own story involving your relationship to your husband and your family’s response. Would you share a little background about that, and elaborate more specifically about how you have really had to fight for the mental/emotional health and well-being of your marriage as you were faced with some unplanned decisions?

Lela: Yes, I’m assuming you mean what I said about the pregnancy?

Sarah: Yes.

Lela: Okay. Oh, here we go…

Yes, So, at the time that I became pregnant, my husband and I were still boyfriend and girlfriend. Growing up in a Christian home for my side and his side of the family, that was frowned upon […].

Having to tell my parents, I knew they would be surprised and a little upset and definitely shocked. That was a little bit drama on both sides of our family, but they supported us and loved us through everything. It’s not like we got shut out or cut off.

Sarah: Sometimes it’s hard with parents. You’re your own person and you’re going to make your own choices and parents aren’t always going to like your choices, but you’re still their daughter and they’re still going to love you.

It’s funny because there was something that I was frustrated about with my husband a few a week ago and I expressed my frustration in front of my son, which is probably not a very good thing to do. But he said to me ‘Yeah but Mommy. I still love my daddy.’

[Laughter from both of us]. 

I looked at him and I said, ‘Oh honey I still love your daddy too. I’m just frustrated and sometimes it’s okay to be frustrated with the people that we love. And we can still love them.’ The same is true with this. Your parents and his parents might have been shocked and surprised and not happy, but in the end, you’re still their daughter, and he’s still their son. There’s still that love there.

Lela: Yeah. Even though things happen, there are decisions that they can’t control. I had to fight for, myself to tell them what was going on. And we [Dylan] had each other. We were both stressed out about telling family and what they were going to think. We basically just had to say, ‘you know what, this is our lives.’ They can choose to be happy for us or not.

In what way have you had to fight to get your family on board with your decision to love and support your relationship to your husband and child?

Lela: When we were dating, my parents came out to visit and to get to know Dylan. They’ve never really been around a person with an amputation and I never have either. So, it’s getting used to knowing and understanding what he can and can’t do physically.

Sarah: This might be a little bit more personal. Has your family had any issues with him in general? They don’t like him in general? Or do they like him? Maybe they like him but they were having a hard time supporting it because of the disability? Where were they on the spectrum of [A] We love him. We totally give you our blessing versus [B] We don’t like him. This is going to be a hard life for you.

Lela: I know his family better because I see them more. [Dylan] is still getting to know my side of the family since we don’t get to see them as much. 

The Accident Retold

Would you be willing to share about your husband’s accident?

Lela: Yes. In a nutshell about as brief as I can put it:

He was driving home with a friend from San Angelo to […]. It’s about a four hour drive and he had not got any sleep the night before. He was just outside of San Angelo when he fell asleep at the wheel with his friend sitting in the passenger seat. And she was asleep. They were going up a hill and the car rolled several times.

Very graciously there was an off-duty EMT who I think was going into work. He stopped to help him. He [Dylan] was driving with his right hand and his left arm was outside of the window. 

Sarah: Oh my gosh!

Lela: Mmm Hmm. He was unconscious until he was in the helicopter. He was life-flighted into the hospital.

The Trauma

I met him about seven months after the accident so I wasn’t with him during. But he had several surgeries to try to get the arm back working. His head was split open a little bit, so he had surgery to fix that. Eventually they had to amputate above the wrist because there was no blood flow. He was in the hospital for two weeks. And he developed, PTSD after that.

Sarah: So the PTSD is related to the trauma from the accident?

Lela: I have a friend who was in an elevator accident where she had dropped several stories, and she ended up breaking her ankle pretty bad. She was stuck inside the elevator, for I think two hours before they were able to get her out. And she developed PTSD as well just from that.

It [PTSD] can happen for anybody. For any amount of trauma, it doesn’t have to be a physical accident. It could be […] rape, or if you’ve gotten shot, or if somebody was abusive towards you, and amputations as well.

Sarah: Man that is, that can definitely do some trauma, for sure!

Lela: Yeah.

Sarah: To read more about Dylan’s accident, check out the blog, 13 Miles from Home, the complete story of the amputation and the events leading up to it.

Fighting for Each Other

Let’s talk a little bit more about the disability and how it affects both of you. He’s unable to work and provide in the way that he wants to. And I’m guessing he feels the burden of that. Maybe he feels that he’s not doing enough, and he’s not able to support you, for example. How do you guys fight to keep your relationship healthy? How do you fight for respect and dignity together amongst family, friends, and within your community when they are seeing his disability, his PTSD, and when he might be simultaneously struggling internally with his own insecurities? These are the things that can really put a strain on a relationship. How do you guys overcome all these things that can bring about insecurities in your relationship to each other?

Lela: We support each other. I have to know what he’s feeling, what he needs from me. Even if he doesn’t physically tell me, from being around him, I’ve learned what I need to do and how to help him. That’s more of the mentality of fighting.

He notices more people staring or giving looks. It’s [an amputation] not something you see every day. So yeah, you’re [people are] going to look. It isn’t polite to stare but it does happen.

We do a lot of things as a family. We’ll go grocery shopping or out to the mall, and we call it [the amputated arm] his nub. Sometimes if I’m holding her [Lela was speaking here of her daughter], I’ll hold onto his nub. That’s like me telling the world ‘Hey this is my guy. I’m okay that he only has one arm.’

He says he does see a lot of people staring […]. I can’t imagine what goes through his head, especially with PTSD because he’s the one who has to physically deal with everything. I’m just getting what he’s giving me, if that makes sense.

I do try to let him do things more on his own when we are out to show people that he can do stuff. He does have a prosthetic and he does like to wear it when we’re out. It does help him if he needs to grab something or push a cart. 

Sometimes people in line will say, ‘Hey, can I ask you about your arm? What happened?’ He’ll just say he was in a car accident. So people do ask and people do give looks and stare, especially kids because they can’t comprehend life like that.

Sarah: I love that you said that sometimes he wants to do things on his own to show his own strength and you’ll let him do that. The fact that you’re communicating to each other and even when he’s not communicating, you’ve been with him long enough now and probably over the next several years you’re going to still be learning. At least you’re making it a point to be on his left side because of the peripheral vision issues [for example]. You’re doing what you need to do to help him, but you’re still allowing him to be the man that he is. It doesn’t take away his respect or dignity because you’re becoming more and more aware of what his needs are and how you can meet those needs without disrupting who he is.

Lela: I’m not going to do everything for him. I’m not going to baby him [especially] in front of everybody. He’s the man of the house.

Sarah: Yes! You still want him to be the person that he is despite his disabilities.

Thank you so much Lela for taking the time to have this very difficult conversation with me. I know I asked you a lot of hard questions, and I really do appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and to share from the heart.

Key Highlights: Regain Respect, Dignity, and Self-Worth.

• It’s important to stick up for ourselves and also for those we love.
• Like yourself! It sounds funny, but in all seriousness, what others think about you should not take the front lines. Liking yourself and consequently treating yourself with dignity and respect, and self-worth needs to be a priority.
• Give others an honest picture of who you are.
• Take a step back. Letting go of a friendship with someone who doesn’t respect you is sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves. Then, let them reach out to you.
• Ask for help when you need it. And return the favor at an appropriate time.

Take Action: Begin Your Fight Today!

1. Take some time this week to get feedback from others in your life who know and love you. Ask them how they perceive you and whether they see any of the fear-driven insecurities discussed above in your life and relationships.
2. Do you have a friend who does not respect you and treat you with dignity? Jot down some notes about why and how the friendship is toxic? Then decide to implement healthy boundaries, or just simply take a step back from the friendship. Write your ideas in a journal on how you can regain respect, dignity, and self-worth.
3. Seek professional help if you believe it is necessary and/or will help you in your fight to regain respect, dignity, and self-worth.

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Begin The Fight Now! Regain Respect, Dignity, And Self-Worth.