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A Conversation about relinquishing control.
Relinquish control! It’s not so easy, is it? Control is a word that many of us struggle with, and definitely one that I myself struggle with in a big way! I want to control everything in my environment; the big things, the little things, and all the things that fall in between. Aside from controlling things, of even greater concern is the desire many of us have to control the people in our lives, primarily, our loved ones. I recently had a conversation with Katie Allen, founder of the blog, Allen the Family, and a woman who, like me, has struggled with wanting to control every aspect of her life. In this conversation she discusses her own personal challenges to relinquish control, and how she has learned to make it a routine habit.
Check it out below! But first…
About the Live Heart-Fully Conversations
Welcome to the Live Heart-Fully Conversations! The Live Heart-Fully Conversations are a series of interviews and conversations created to inspire, provoke, and challenge you to go deeper in feeding your own soul and pursuing stronger, authentic relationships with others. Over the next year, I am talking with some amazing powerhouse people who have had some true challenges, lived through them, and are now sharing their own personal power stories.
Check out these blogs!
Welcome Katie Allen
This month, I am excited to introduce Katie Allen! Among other things, Katie is a blogger. She has a Master’s degree in Early Childhood Education. She has been married for close to seven years as I write this. Together, she and her husband have one toddler girl and they are expecting their second baby, a boy, in February. During the conversation, Katie expressed her love for writing and is currently working on writing her first children’s book. On her blog, Allen the Family, Katie writes about motherhood, parenting, pregnancy, and early childhood education. In this Live Heart-Fully Conversation, Katie discusses her own challenges with control and how a couple of life changing circumstances forced her to relinquish control. At the bottom of this interview, I have featured one of Katie’s blog posts. To check out her blog and read more, visit: www.allenthefamily.com.
Now let’s start this amazing conversation and find out what Katie Allen has to say about relinquishing control.
The Conversation: Relinquish Control
In what ways have you personally struggled with control?
Katie: I am someone who likes to be in control all the time. So letting go of control is extremely hard for me. I’ve been like this since I was a kid. If I feel like I’m not in control of the situation, I get mad anxiety from it. It’s encompassed my entire life.
Do you feel as though you control, or attempt to control your spouse?
Katie: Yeah, yeah! Yeah I think controlling myself is a big thing, as well as my family. I feel like I’m the one that’s, I put myself in control of what we’re doing and the decisions we make as a family. But ultimately I feel like I’m the one that is in control of it, even though it’s like teamwork. But it’s just, I guess, part of my personality.
Sarah: Sometimes I struggle with this idea of, I want to make my husband, and even with my child, but I think in particular my husband, feel like he’s in control. But I’ll kind of manipulate the situation.
Katie: Absolutely.
Sarah: So that I’m the one that’s really in control cause I’m manipulating. I’m using language or actions to kind of manipulate his response so that I can get him to respond the way I want him to respond. Does that make sense?
Katie: Yes that’s, that’s exactly what I do…He’s now to the point, he’s like ‘Can you just please tell me exactly what you want… you know what you want so just tell me?’
A big one of ours, for some reason, is choosing dinners. I just, I get this idea in my head of what I want, but for some reason I just never tell him what exactly I want. And I want him to guess what I want. Then, so, he’ll end up choosing something, and I’m like, ‘No, that’s not really what I want.’ And so I end up just eventually working him around to what I want, if that makes sense.
Sarah: Yeah! I think we have a similar thing like that too. He’ll ask me ‘What do you want for dinner?’ And then I’ll say something like, ‘Oh I don’t know. I’m open to whatever. You decide.’ Then he’ll suggest certain things and I’ll say ‘No I don’t really want that…No I don’t really want that either…Pizza sounds good, let’s get pizza.’
Katie: Yeah! Yeah that’s exactly how it happens here.
How about your child?
Katie: Yeah. Yeah. I’ve been trying to be really lenient on controlling her in some aspects. She’s really big on costumes. She’s really big on wearing costumes. So we’ve tried, I try to let her be in control of what she wears, especially right now. We’re not going anywhere ‘cause of Covid. So I let go of the control of what she wears every day and so she’s just living in a PJ Mask costume for about a month now. I try to let her have a little bit more control over her actions, then I would’ve thought I would when I became a parent.
Sarah: That’s good. That’s really good. I know for me, I have a tendency with my son to suggest certain gifts that I feel like he should want.
Katie: Mm hmm. Okay, yeah.
Sarah: It’s the Christmas season right now. So instead of asking him what he wants, I’ll suggest certain things and then he wants me to be happy, so he will tell me that it is what he wants. In the end, I’m getting him what I want to get him instead of getting him what he wants to get.
Katie: Yes.
Sarah: So I feel like it’s things like that where I’m learning that I need to just relinquish control and step back. If he wants a particular thing, even if I don’t really like that thing, you know, within reason (like if he wants video games right now and he’s four, he’s not going to get a lot of video games), but, you know if he wants a particular costume, even though it’s not Halloween right now, we’re gonna get him a costume. That was completely his own idea. So little things like that.
In addition to what you just shared, is there any particular story, based on your own experience, you would like to share about control? It can be a very specific thing that happened, or it can be in a broader sense?
Katie: I think especially this year, with all of this going on, that sense of control, I’ve kind of let it go for the most part. I had to back in June when I had my IUD fail and I was pregnant. So the one thing I was trying to control, not getting pregnant, was suddenly, I couldn’t even control it. It went away. So that was something that really made me step back, to really push back controlling feelings cause, cases like that, the inevitable happens. I just have to let go and accept it
So, you had an IUD pregnancy. Obviously you and your spouse were not looking to have another baby. However, you ended up getting pregnant. What was your initial reaction? In what ways did this surprise and even shock you, and challenge your ideas of controlling your circumstances? In what ways did you feel completely powerless over the circumstances?
Katie: My initial reaction was complete and utter shock. We had given away every single baby item we had held on to, that’s how done we were. I was also absolutely terrified.
Our previous miscarriage left me with some pretty bad PTSD and depression and I didn’t think I could handle the stress of another pregnancy ending. It was really hard for both me and my husband to understand how our birth control, the one thing that should have prevented a pregnancy, failed.
I think that experience really opened our eyes and showed us that ultimately, we have very little control over what happens in our lives. Sometimes, even what control variants are in our lives still end up being totally uncontrollable and there is no way to plan for that. The experience left us feeling powerless as we were unable to prevent and control a situation we were unprepared for and did not want to be in at that time. It was quite an overwhelming and stressful time for us.
About a year prior to your IUD pregnancy, you and your family suffered loss by miscarriage. Can you share a little about that?
Katie: In October 2019 we had found out we were expecting our second child and were ecstatic. The pregnancy was absolutely perfect with zero complications. On Halloween we were able to hear a sweet little heartbeat and share that experience with our daughter. Thankfully, she was totally unaware as to what truly was going on. My symptoms were minimal but still there, and we enjoyed the newly pregnant bliss.
A week after a birthday vacation at Disney World for our daughter, I had a routine appointment. Everything went well, I was about 9 weeks. There was no ultrasound or doppler during that time, just a swab of my cervix.
The next day I started having brown spotting that, over the course of the next few hours, turned bright red. I ended up with an emergency ultrasound where we were told the baby no longer had a heartbeat and had stopped developing not long after our first ultrasound. It was devastating and completely unexpected to experience a missed miscarriage when everything had been so perfect until that moment.
How did the miscarriage also challenge your idea of controlling your circumstances?
Katie: I think that was the ultimate lesson. I have zero control over what happens in life and I did everything right. Yeah, I drank plenty of water, took my vitamins, only went on pregnancy-safe rides at Disney, and changed my diet. I did my best to control the situation and it still ended up in a miscarriage.
In another instance of challenging control, I ended up in the emergency room that night for a D&C. In a situation like that, you feel complete and utter loss of control. Nothing is going right and how you envisioned it. It was a place of just learning to accept the loss of control that I fought so hard to have. I’m a person who likes being in control and then I had to become one who had to let go and navigate not only the loss of a baby, but the loss of my sense of control as well. I think the miscarriage and circumstances have made me a tiny bit more flexible, in the sense that I can do my best to control something, but in the end it really doesn’t matter how much I try it will just happen how it happens.
Sarah: For those who have never had a D&C before and may not be aware, it is Dilation and Curettage. It is a procedure in which the cervix is dilated and the lining of the uterus is scraped and removed.
Katie, I am so sorry about your miscarriage! I understand it is a very difficult and traumatic, grief-ridden experience for you and your family. However, I am so glad you are able to share your story about it though. I know miscarriage is more common than most people think. I also know that there is a lot of pressure, culturally, to keep quiet about it when it does happen. However, I am confident that women and their families who have experienced miscarriage can find support and encouragement by others, like you, sharing their stories about it. So, thank you for that!
As you have had a rough couple of years through miscarriage, unexpected pregnancy, and all the other current events surrounding Covid, what are the top two take-aways regarding relinquishing control that you can share with others that will encourage and inspire others to relinquish control?
Katie: This last year has been quite insane. It’s a place I certainly never imagined being in, and I know everyone else feels that way with the pandemic.
I think the first take-away would be that even when it seems like we have zero control, we do have a tiny bit still. We just have to accept that the control may fail and we should be flexible with it. It’s absolutely hard to deal with that sense of loss of control. But if we can learn how to navigate ourselves in that loss, then we won’t feel quite as out of control.
The second take-away would be to look to others. Like I said before, I like being in control. But in this last year when I have lost my sense of control and had to relinquish it, I have looked to others for support and inspiration. I wouldn’t have made it through these situations without my personal support team of family and friends. They have helped me accept the ability to lose control but still navigate life and let go a bit. I have also looked to other people who inspire me, whether it be a celebrity or someone else I admire.
I understand I’m not the only one having to relinquish control and I like to see how others have done it as well. Even in the worst of circumstances where someone feels out of control, they are still able to learn to move through the chaos. If you are relinquishing control, find your people. They will help you, support you, and inspire you. These instances may not be in the way you think they will, but there will be inspiration in their actions or even their own stories. That’s what has helped me best this last year and how I will continue to navigate the craziness that is life and control.
What you have learned about the consequences of controlling others and/or the benefits of relinquishing control.
Katie: I think the consequences would be, with me, especially trying to control meals and silly things like that, it ends up just being an argument about something between me and my husband about dinner, which is just ridiculous. I guess my controlling manners are over-bearing sometimes, and not necessary.
In other senses, I think, me giving into not being quite as controlling really helps, especially with my daughter, in her costumes, and what she wants at the store. It helps her be more independent and more creative, especially when she’s wearing a costume because it’s something she loves, and she loves doing it. Right now she’s out there pretending she’s in a whole other world. That’s what she’s done every day for the last month. Actually, it’s been longer than a month. She’s been in costumes for six months now. It makes her happy, and it’s, it’s helping her grow.
Sarah: I love that! I love that you said it fosters independence and creativity. I would even add to that the idea that it builds their confidence.
Katie: Oh, yeah! Absolutely!
Sarah: And helping her grow, which is really good. I love that. And when we don’t relinquish control and instead, we try to control our kids, the opposite happens where they become insecure, and easily embarrassed about things.
Katie: Right.
In The Live Heart-Fully Journal, I talk about doing two things to relinquish control: stepping back (primarily to allow others to be who they are and make their own choices), and also trusting others (in the sense that others are competent and capable). Have either of these two things been difficult for you?
Katie: Yes, absolutely! I am a leader and so I want to be in control all the time. If I have to step back, it’s really hard for me, to accept it. Also to not be able to put my input out there and take charge-it’s been a big issue of mine, especially when I was working. That was really hard for me until I was able to be in a position where I could be in more control.
How have you learned to make stepping back and trusting others part of your lifestyle and a way to relinquish control?
Katie: I worked a lot with parents of infants who were also very controlling cause most of them were first time parents dropping their babies off at daycare and such. So, a big part of me as an infant teacher had to learn to step back. And while it was my classroom, those were still their babies. They ultimately made the choices of what/how their babies were fed every few hours, and what they needed. Those weren’t my kids. So, in that position, it really helped me learn to be less in control even though I was in a controlled environment that I was in charge of.
Sarah: Yes. That’s hard. Especially when the babies are so young, and those moms know their babies better than anyone else.
Show us Some Love and Share
Aside from stepping back and trusting, is there anything else you can add that you believe is essential to relinquish control?
Katie: I think doing a lot of self-reflection is extremely important. I’ve had, there’ve been times, especially with stepping back, even now as a parent, I have to step back and realize and think, is this a situation that needs significant control, or is it me just being an over bearing person. It just takes a lot of self-reflection.
Sarah: So, is it a situation that needs significant control, or am I being overbearing? That is a good, good question to ask! Do you have any specific examples of that?
Katie: When we first started going to our church (my daughter), had just started wearing costumes. She wasn’t even two yet, and so I was still new to that whole process. I’ve been controlling and she wasn’t even two at that time. So that was my first big step on stepping back.
I got really self-conscious one day because it was Sunday and we had to go to church and she would not get out of her Princess Belle dress. I was like ‘You can’t wear that to church; this is unnecessary. It’s not how we, we’re not going to church dressed as Belle.’ But then I stepped back and (thought), this is ridiculous Katie, she’s not two. No one’s gonna care what she wears to church. That was my big moment of ‘Am I being over bearing or is this a moment I need to step back and not be in control.
Sarah: That a great example. And I think it’s important to be making sure that the question ‘Is it a situation that needs control or am I being over bearing’ is a question that we should all be asking ourselves any time we feel like we might be wanting to take control. And we need to really give ourselves an honest assessment of that. That would be a good daily habit to make too.
Katie: Yeah! Thank you.
Thank You Katie!
I want to take moment to thank you, Katie Allen, for the amazing opportunity to have this conversation with you. It has been such a privilege and joy communicating with you these last few weeks through email and phone conversations.
Let’s take a brief moment to reflect back and put things in perspective regarding the things Katie is challenging us to do as we consider how to relinquish control in our own lives. This is especially challenging for those of us, like myself and Katie, who have struggled with controlling others and things.
Below are the take-away highlights, along with a couple action steps you can take staring this week.
Take Away Highlights to Help You Relinquish Control
- Let the small things go.
- Control what you can. When it doesn’t go how you envisioned it, accept the loss of control, and be flexible.
- Look to others. They will help you, support you, and inspire you.
- Self-Reflect regularly! Ask yourself, “Is this a situation that needs control, or am I being over-bearing?”
Take Action and Relinquish Control
- We talked about choosing dinner and what our children choose to wear. What are some other small things in your family you tend to control that you can let go?
- Aside from those small things, there are the big things that, as much as we can attempt to control, can really challenge our ideas of what should be happening in our lives. These are things like what Katie shared-unexpected pregnancies, and miscarriage. Other things might include, but are not limited to, the unexpected or even traumatic loss of a loved one, job loss, financial hardships, etc. What have been some things in your life that you have attempted to control only to have an outcome you did not expect?
- Who in your life can you look to for help, support, and inspiration when circumstances in your life take a different turn?
- Practice self-reflection. Ask yourself the hard question, “Is this a situation that needs control, or am I being over-bearing?” Give yourself an honest assessment.
More About Katie Allen
If you would like to read more blogs by Katie Allen, check out her blog post, I Had an IUD Pregnancy After Deciding No More Kids! It is particularly relevant to our conversation today about relinquishing control. In the blog, Katie shares her completely vulnerable and honest thoughts from the moment to found out she was pregnant to the moment she relinquished control and began preparing for a second baby. Check it out here!
You can also find and follow Katie by clicking the follow buttons below.
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The Live Heart-Fully Conversations are published on the first Monday of each month for the year 2021.
I was a total control freak! If things didn’t go my way my anxiety would set in and my world would feel as if it was literally swirling at a high speed. I remember thinking to myself one day during an event such as this, “Why am I like this? Why do i have to be in so much control?” I eventually carried too much on my shoulders from needing to be in control that I stressed myself out to the point my body just shut down. I literally couldnt walk. I had been going through so much that wasnt in my control and me trying to find a way to control things only made my health deteriorate. After that, I now try to go with the flow and remind myself that I’m not Jesus, I cant do his work. I have to let go and let God. Ever since, that’s my way of living now. This post definitely hit home!
I am so glad you have discovered how to let go of your need to control! The issue is certainly real, and can be very unhealthy to ourselves and others. When we can let go, we can find rest and peace.
Such an interesting intervuew!! I love how real Katie is in telling about her struggles with control. I know I can be overbearing as well. Thanks for showing us insight into this subject
Thank you!
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